When the Universe gifts us with clarity it’s sometimes unwelcome. That’s because we like to live in the fantasy world we’ve constructed for ourselves: our delusions about how things are, based on how we want them to be. Or even how we think they should be.
There were times in my life when I completely rejected the gift of clarity. Occasions when the inescapable reality of how things really were was so painful I thought I couldn’t bear it.
I took refuge in my analytical skills. All the reasons why. All the reasons why not. How I was a victim. How I co-created the reality. Vacillating between my fantasy and reality, microscopically examining every bit of it, my head spun.
Can you relate?
Eventually, though, truth will out and we simply have to accept things are they are.
Really, though, clarity is a gift that allows us to live up to our true potential. It can be a turning point that clears the way for us to be our best selves.
That’s what I tell myself, anyway. And most of the time, it’s true.
Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
–My Way/written by Paul Anka
Where do regrets get us, really?
After my divorce from my first husband, I thought, “this was the one that should have worked.” And it’s true: we had a lot of things in our favor and one thing that wasn’t: our youth. Not to mention the stupidity characteristic of youth.
I know plenty of people who hang on to “that shouldn’t have happened” and let it direct the remainder of their lives. For some reason, though, that didn’t occur to me. I picked myself up, dusted off and went on with my life. Had my own set of adventures. A life I wouldn’t have had if I’d remained married.
Sure, I felt regret. And then? I moved on. It took a while, but I managed.
Now, I look back at all of the things I did, the things that went well and the things that didn’t and I appreciate every one of them. The disastrous rebound marriage that showed me I could recover from a painful blow and then make my own hard decision. The time in relationship with my best friend, who showed me the world and possibilities I hadn’t considered. And so much more.
Regret was something I’ve felt and then moved past, because there is so much more to see and do on this journey called life.
The irony is that 27 years later my first husband was back and yes, it DID work out. Although not in the time frame I expected. Most people say we seem well-suited to each other and we are: NOW.
It’s also true that the life I had after our first divorce prepared me to be a better partner to him this time around. While some might say that divorce indicated a failure I turned it into a positive–taking time to explore the world in a way I wouldn’t have been able to, otherwise.
He didn’t have to return to my life for me to live well. Life can deal us a difficult hand and what matters is what we do with it.
So yes: Regrets? I’ve had a few.
But then again, too few to mention.
(By the way, today is the 11th anniversary of our remarriage and the 48h anniversary of our first marriage. Life sure can be strange.)
A whole lot has changed this year, hasn’t it? That’s why I asked vision board specialist and blogger Jennifer Rochette Koshak of Unfold and Begin blog to address how we might adapt our vision board to reflect the changes in our lives and environment. Here is her advice.
by Jennifer Rochette Koshak
Right now, I imagine it’s hard to plan goals. Or maybe you had some goals and even had a vision board to support those goals but then Covid-19 blew them out of the water. I understand how that feels. I was supposed to go on vacation in May…NOT. The change in the world and our lives means those of us who see the benefit in focus and manifestation need to figure out a vision board for these times.
In my book, A Practical Guide to Goal Planning and Vision Boards, I explain the different types of vision boards you can create and also what to do when your vision board doesn’t feel right. Perhaps your goals have changed. Or maybe your timeline has. Or maybe you set goals for the year but you realized they weren’t really the goals that you wanted in the first place.
Step one is to assess your vision board, if you have one.
Or, maybe you want to create one…. or just update your current board.
Or create an entirely new one.
If only a few goals have changed, then you can remove the pictures and phrases that no longer fit, find new pictures and phrases that do, and glue them in the open spots. If there are major changes in. your goals, it’s easier to create a new vision board.
But how about if you still want to keep the vision board you already made –because it still supports goals in a longer time-frame– but you want to have something that is relevant to now?
Create a second vision board. I have one. My husband and I created a 2020 vision board together that showcases our shared goals. But I also created a blogging vision board to keep myself on track with my blog and the goals I have for it.
It’s ok to have multiple vision boards. And it’s ok to change your vision board when it’s not working for you anymore. It’s not a one and done situation. Goals ebb, and flow, and change. With or without Covid-19, you might be right here, right now, feeling dissatisfied with your vision board knowing that it doesn’t support your current goals. Change it. It’s ok. But first, you need to look at it and decide if it’s still working.
Want to learn how to goal plan and set up an effective board Jennifer is offering readers 50% off on an hour consultation call, which is normally 50.00–special price of $25 if you email me at Jennifer@unfoldandbegin.com and mention A Healing Spirit. The call also involves a guided meditation to assist in refining your goals.
Thanks, Jennifer! Check out her book, which is full of advice to easily make your own vision board or enhance the one you have. And to summarize her advice to those who already have a board:
1. Evaluate your vision board. Does it reflect the current state of what you’d like?
2. If not, decide if you want to remove and replace some items or do a second vision board for this period of time.
And if you’d like a manifestation candle stuffed full of herbs and crystals meant to enhance your visioning, check out mine right here.
If you’d like to connect with Jennifer on social media:
A longtime friend was recounting how, despite serious back problems (very serious), they injured themselves helping someone move something super-heavy, as in at least a ton.
“Why do you do that?” I asked.
“I’ve always done that,” they said. “They needed help. That’s just how I am.”
“So how’s that working for you?” I asked, thinking about the re-injury.
“Some people would call it perseverance and others, stupidity, I guess,” they replied.
“Well, you know which side of that I come down on,” I said.
A client and I were discussing how during her regression, her subconscious was giving messages with the same obvious theme –perhaps it was suggesting a few specific changes to lighten their life.
“But that’s just how I am,” they responded.
“Does that have to be fixed?” I asked. “Is it not possible to adapt to new input if it made your life easier? Could. you consider a new beginning?”
We hang on to who and how we have always been as if our lives depended on it, even when pain (physical and emotional) begs us to change. Even just a little. “That’s just who I am.” “That’s just how I am.”
Even when the subconscious points out (more than once) that change is called for. Even when the conclusion is inescapable.
Who we are is not fixed.
Every minute we have the chance to do things differently.
Every minute brings the possibility of a new beginning.
Regressions often provide input about how to live a more satisfying life. They can be done perfectly well online and I’ve lowered the cost during this national crisis. If you’d like to learn more, visit my Regression page and set up a call to talk about it.
This blog post sat around for months and then, I began having conversations with a friend about their past. Their wounds went back many years, but were so deep and raw I bled for them. And it was so clear that they’d been wounded by someone who was wounded themselves. Wounded people can perpetuate the cycle of pain.
I know a lot about this because I was also wounded by someone who didn’t realize the extent of his own scars and how they drove his behavior. It was my father. After many years of excellent therapy I forgave him and never held it against him. We had a far better relationship as we both aged than we’d had in the past. I thought I was home-free.
Not so fast….
When you’re wounded so young it drives your adult behavior in ways that can be very difficult to notice, much less change. We operate on auto-pilot most of the time, just living life as it comes up. We don’t see how much those early experiences influence our actions involving all of the important things and people in our lives.
If we’re lucky, we get smart when we’re older. I hit my 60s before I saw that any time someone was nasty or there was negativity in the house I reacted viscerally. I didn’t like it. I mean I REALLY didn’t like it. I could feel my blood pressure rise and I’d get an apprehensive feeling in my stomach.
It’s the imprint
Once I started noticing my reaction, the root cause was obvious. I may have forgiven Dad, but his imprint appeared on so much of my life, for good and bad.
Maybe you’ve also been wounded by someone carrying scars of their own. If it’s a parent, and it most always is, because they influence us when we’re youngest and most impressionable, it’s helpful to see a good therapist. Someone who can help you gain perspective on their behavior.
It’s up to us
But the real work is ours: to identify the ways in which we’ve been imprinted and the way that shows in how we live, love and work. Sometimes, the dysfunction goes on for decades and it’s hard to shake off.
I’m here to tell you that you do not have to give a wounded person power over you. You CAN consciously work to shake it off. You CAN let go of resentment. You CAN feel the pain and release it. And you CAN decide to live a more functional life.
Change is difficult. But it is also possible.
And sometimes, very necessary.
Perhaps a regression could help clarify things. I’d love to talk to you about it! Schedule a call or send me an emai. Read more about regression here.
How much of our behavior is about what others think of us–as opposed to what we think of ourselves?
When I was younger there were times I was self-conscious–concerned about how I was received. Insecurity is a phase most youth go through, but sometimes even in adulthood we consider what others think of us more than we’re aware of of.
Did you hear any of these messages when you were young?
“Don’t bring shame on the family!”
“What will people/the neighbors think?”
Scrolling my social media feed I have noticed that some people attacked by trolls are super-defensive. I must admit that when I’m attacked online (it happens) I also feel defensive. It’s normal. Even though as I grew up I learned to be secure in the person I was. To understand that what I thought of myself and my own behavior was far more important than what others thought.
Maybe it took me longer than others, but I did finally get there, only to find that social media make us vulnerable in different ways.
I’m still pretty much ok with the person I am. I still pretty much think, “well, if you don’t get me, that’s ok, because I get me.”
Pretty much. Like anyone else, that confidence can be shaken. Not often, but it happens.
And when it does, I remind myself of just who I am and that I am always that person.
No matter what others think.