I’ve said more than once that I don’t believe that writing is license to kill or even hurt others.
It is, however, an effective way for many of us to work through difficult situations, and yes, pain. Especially family wounds.
Like Annie Lamott once wrote, “you own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
There’s a difference, though, between writing to wound and writing to make sense of our own wounds.
The elephant in the room
About a year ago, I decided to stop avoiding the elephant in the room, which was the deep fracture and dysfunction in my family of origin.
Because I am a writer and because I am aware of the power of words, I have been careful to write only of my own pain and disappointment and my own view of a completely dysfunctional dynamic.
Everyone has a story. I am a story teller. Telling mine is natural.
Reality is stark in black & white
So, it’s natural. But not pretty. Reality bites and it bites harder on the page in black and white.
As I’ve worked through the family dysfunction’s impact on me over the decades I saw how much I’d bought into the unrealistic media stereotype of what a family is “supposed” to be. In fact, very few real families live up to that image. Mine certainly didn’t.
I also remember back in the day when therapists advised me to sit down with my father and talk about the family dynamic, to work it out. It always made me laugh: I couldn’t imagine anything less effective.
But that’s part of our conceit: the idea that we can fix things, make it better, that people can find common ground, meet and reach equilibrium. I’m sure many of you know what I mean and have tried this yourself.
Not everything can be healed
Sometimes, though, you just can’t heal family dysfunction. Sometimes, you just have to leave it alone and move on.
I’ve never been that good at moving on. I built my entire life on making things happen and I didn’t want to believe that I couldn’t make some rapprochement. I am, after all, a healer by nature. As my spirit guides have told me, “you’re built for reconciliation.”
Finally, though, I’ve learned to move on. Armed with forgiveness and compassion, I wish my family well and focus on enjoying my own happiness.
There’s incredible freedom in letting go –of the fantasy, of the pain and of the time spent trying to figure it out.
So when I’m asked, “how can I heal family wounds?” I’ve learned to respond that sometimes you can’t. Sometimes, we have to accept what is and move on. No harm, no foul.
May all beings be at peace.
I believe there is no one perfect formula for situations like these as sometimes there is no logic to it. But I like the way you put it across and hope that time heals it all.
For me is acceptance and forgiveness that can heal family wounds. Pride should be removed if willing to put back your relationship as family.
These are all awesome tips! Family is so important, we need to be nurturing these relationships!
Family always takes priority over others for me. It would hurt a lot were my family not a happy one. Family wounds need to be healed!
This is all sooooo true. I have a really hard family dynamic as well and sometimes I want to just throw it all into my work and into my writing. I don’t realize that I really can’t do that, and also sometimes things just don’t work out. We can use our writing as a very therapeutic though!
I think you’re right.. not everything can be healed — as a common saying goes.. time will tell. We just need to move on and continue.
These are such great tips and pointers for a familyhurtif. So inspirational!
All too often I see people writing to hurt others rather than to heal themselves. There is such an important difference. This post was beautiful.
I think it’s so easy for outsiders to try to fix family dynamics, but it all depends on the people in the family. It’s good to know what you can fix and what you need to let go of.
This is very good advice for this type of situation. Forgiveness is always key.
Yep sometimes things like these happen and you really can’t do much about it. Sometimes you just have to let it go and move on.
I cried when I read this. Family wounds is so hard to heal. I’ve been experience this when I was i College and I don’t want my kids to experience this
I have found this very powerful. You speak so honestly and it really brings your messages home. I agree about finding forgiveness. Thank you so much for sharing this.
This is a great post, thank you for sharing. It can be so hard to deal with family wounds, but this is so eloquently put. x
This is such an important topic to write about, and I want to thank you for having the courage to speak out and do so. This is going to help a lot of families heal — or, at the very least, find some sense of peace.
Beautiful in every way. You can examine the past, feel it out like a bruise or a broken bone, but gradually let it fall into the background as you grow, heal, build on your own strengths. Thanks for this.
That is a sad but true fact. I am lucky to have an amazing family but have definitely had some friends who I no longer speak to who really hurt me . . . sometimes you just have to let it go.
This speaks right to me, for my sanity I decided to remove myself from the “toxic” part of my family. I don’t want or need that around my kids, and I must say i’m much happier since i’ve done so.