I’ve got to get this off my chest because some people simply can not figure out how to provide comfort. So let me help.
If a friend’s baby born with a congenital defect died in a few months, you would never say “Well, she DID have that congenital defect…” would you?
No. You wouldn’t. NEVER.
It’s stating the obvious, for one, and it is certainly NOT comforting for two. Never happen. Well, maybe it has but I doubt YOU would say that. Knowing that so many of my readers are moms.
So I was horrified when I heard someone say to a lung cancer patient, “Well, you DID smoke all those years…”
Truth as a battering ram
Yes, he did smoke all those years. I wonder, did the speaker think that he didn’t know that smoking could harm him? Did the speaker really think that was a helpful and comforting comment? What purpose did it serve?
How about when we lose someone who has reached a ripe old age, say 94? “Well, she WAS 94, after all.”
No. Not comforting. Yes. Stating the obvious. Duh.
If someone is telling you about a difficult situation they’re facing, it is not helpful to remind them of the obvious, of how they should’ve expected this, etc etc.
Try these words of comfort, instead:
“I’m so sorry you are going through this.”
“It must be really hard.”
“It’s a big loss.”
Those, my friends, are words of true comfort. Empathetic words. Not the self-satisfying, “I told you so” or “You should’ve expected that.”
Know that the person sharing is seeking comfort. They don’t have to be reminded of the obvious.
Ok, now I’ve gotten this off my chest. Thanks for listening. Love to hear your thoughts.
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SO TRUE. Not that it makes it any easier, but I’ve found that it’s hard to understand what someone else is going through without some sense of context. People who know I lost my father in my 20s know that I mean it when I say, “It’s tough – I’m here if you need to talk” when they lose a parent. I remember not the people who said stupid things when he died, but those who said truly empathetic things. “I’m so sorry for your loss, and you’re in my thoughts/prayers” always works.
Sometimes we just need a friendly ear not words!
Sometimes it’s difficult to find the right words. A kind, listening ear is always a good choice. Important post!
Words are so important. Especially if you are in need of comfort. Thanks for the suggestions, they’d make a big difference.
Wow – how rude can people be? How about, I’ll be here for you when you need me and I’m so sorry for your loss. What a crappy person to say something like that.
Some people have a big issue with empathy. When people are mourning being condensing and stating the obvious is pretty rude, your suggestions are kinder and sympathetic.
Great advice. It’s amazing what comes out of people’s mouths when others are grieving.
I am so awkward when it comes to showing someone support! Thanks for these great tips and things to say!
A lot of times, I just don’t say anything in these type of situation because I am afraid that I might say the wrong words.
This is really helpful.
Comforting others is so important, especially during times of loss. I agree, it should not be about “I told you so…’ And another commenter got it right – if you think of saying something insensitive – just say I’m sorry for your loss instead!
How about “well, at least she’s not suffering anymore.” Or “at least she’s found peace, now.” When my aunt died of brain cancer, I heard those things from well-meaning people. You know what? I’m well-aware that she’s no longer suffering and at peace. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s really awful on those of us who lost her.
Thank you for bringing attention to these things! I know people mean well, but sometimes they just don’t seem to think. If the words “at least…” are going to come out of your mouth, shut it and just say “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Some people are just insensitive and some are totally clueless on what to say. I think this post could really help them and it’s really important to say the right things when talking to people who are going through something tough in their life.
Stating the obvious really doesn’t bring you comfort. It’s easier to be empathetic if you don’t have to say ‘I told you so.’
I usually get tongue tied when it comes to words of comfort, though I would never say anything hurtful. I love your suggestions and will keep them stored to memory for future use.
Some people really don’t know what to say to provide comfort. These are some great suggestions to express sympathy!
I always try to be there for people. I just let them know I’m there if they ever need to talk. I never press them.
YES! I’m glad you said this. I am tired of hearing some of things that I do when people are trying to provide comfort.
These are great ways to look at things. I really do not like when people are so ignorant and state the obvious. Sometimes people just need you there.
This is a great post, sometimes it is hard to find the right words of comfort to say. So having some ideas on alternatives is very worth having in your arsenal.
Thank you for sharing these examples and kinds words. I never try to use “I know what you’re going through” because in most cases I don’t.
So true. When my grandmother passed I was livid with people saying stupid stuff like she was old, she lived a good life. Yeah and? That doesn’t make it hurt less.
I was given some of the meanest comments when my daughter was killed and some of them came from my own mom. Who I had to forgive as she was suffering to but I must tell you it was hard and I wanted to punch her at the time it happened.
We really don’t know everything a person is going through. It’s up to us to be as human as possible to comfort them. Listening to them is half the battle.
I love this. People in tough situations need comfort, not admonition. It blows my mind that people will admonish someone in a time of crisis, but some do.
It seems that people don’t get the art of subtle. We want to be comforting about the other person’s experience. We don’t need to be pointing out people’s flaws.
Comforting someone has to be heartfelt, with a good amount of empathy mixed in. I can’t fathom the thought of someone basically saying that that person brought it upon themselves.
I know, right?
Some of the things people say are astounding. Some don’t think before they speak, which is always a mistake. Trying to be kind or at a minimum not hurtful is the best approach.
What an insightful post! I try to stick with the “I’m sorry you are going through this” when trying to comfort loved ones.
I think comforting must come from the heart and it is sad that people fail at this most sensitive time. I will remember this post for when I need to be sensitive and comforting.
Amen! Or the classic – “I know how you feel.” No, you don’t. People seem to say the craziest things when they don’t know what to say.