After Riley’s death I found myself sitting in a therapist’s office.
It’d been years since I’d seen a therapist, but I wasn’t shy to go. I’ve found it useful at different times in my life. I knew I needed some help and so I found some.
Just before my first visit, as luck would have it, my grief transformed. We’d been to Yosemite, a blue orb appeared on a photo I’d taken and when we returned my grief had changed, was less intense. You’ll find a piece on that experience of grief transitioning in a post I wrote in February.
But there I was in the therapist’s office so I decided to use it to prepare for an upcoming visit to my hometown.Because I learned in my last go at therapy (some 15 years ago) that being prepared for a visit “home” was a good thing.
I have a super-toxic family. Damaged in ways that I’ve dissected over my entire life. One big thing therapy has done for me over the years is helped me process it and my role in it. And also helped me take radical responsibility when I needed to.
Therapy yes, analysis? Not this time
It’s not productive at this stage of life to recline on an analyst’s couch for years digging deep into my psyche. No, I want to work the issues efficiently. That’s not to say that I didn’t spend years in therapy because I did. There was a lot to unpack. But I usually make a deal with my therapist that if I don’t “get it” in a certain period of time, I want them to clue me in. I do not want to spend lifetime waiting for that epiphany.
My current therapist and I have conversations. Discussions. It’s not a usual style of therapy but it’s one that works for meat this stage of my development. She asks questions. She’ll give an opinion if asked and not say “what do YOU think?”
(Note to readers: this works for me. That does not mean it would work for you. There is a time and place for analysis and different techniques. And no, I do not share the name of my therapist.)
So back to my family.
The other day my therapist asked me how it was that I managed to escape the family toxicity. How did that happen? I could see it wasn’t just a therapy question: she truly wanted to know.
Dark nights of the soul
I’ve wondered the same thing during many dark nights of the soul. I did leave my hometown young, and that was a big help. But besides that, I believe it’s pretty simple: I came into the world different. You know that little game, “which one of these is different than the others?” That one was ME.
I’ve always been willing to look at myself. Oh, sometimes I didn’t see clearly. But as I aged, I took my self-protective blinders off more often. And also was able to take radical responsibility. To forgive. No, it wasn’t always that way. I spent my share of time rowing the river, Denial.
An when we’re busy living life we don’t always want to take time to reflect. But as an avid reader and the almost-holder of a PhD in social psych, my inclination was to think things through and try to find perspective.
And while I know my family’s toxic, it’s good once in a while to get an unbiased view of it, just to make sure I haven’t missed anything.
No, didn’t. They’re toxic.
And while I don’t NEED validation, sometimes it’s useful to reality-check my view of situations. I know someone whose best friend really doesn’t have her interests at heart. But she’s a pure soul who sees only the good in people. She’d never ask herself: Am I looking at this straight?
But I do ask myself that question. Then, recently I had a chance to reality-check something with my therapist.
It was about a former friend who had hijacked my circle of friends and then ghosted me. I wasn’t particularly distressed by her disappearance, but it was an odd outcome and I’d wondered about it. Even though was tangential to therapy, I saw an opportunity for an unbiased eye on something.
Is it strange?
This is strange, right? I asked.
Well, yeah, my therapist said. That’s strange.
Most of the time I get that it’s not “me,” it’s their issue. But I have to admit, it’s sometimes good to hear an outside view.
And that’s the chief benefit of therapy: it provides that outside view: a look at our lives in a clear-eyed way. Without our self-protective filters.
A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. In a future post, I’ll give suggestions on how to find a good one.
Indeed going to therapist and undergoing medications is a big help to many people. Finding the right remedy that will suit regarding your condition.
I unfortunately had an awful experience as a teen with a therapist. I found that group sessions with Hospice helped me when it came to my Grandfather and Mom passing.
Finding a great therapist can be the difference between resolving what’s going on, or not getting any resolution. I think they’re very important in helping people.
A good therapist is worth their weight in gold! I used to take one of my kids to a therapist and it really helped him a lot.
Find a good therapist for you can be hard after all what words for one may not another. So there is so many variables!
I think it’s important to have an unbiased person that you can turn to and talk to. Finding a good therapist is so important!!
I went to a therapist for nearly a year. It was nice to get things off of my chest. I really need to go back.
I completely agree, a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. Unfortunately they are time consuming, exhausting and frustrating to find and all of that is unavoidable.
Finding a good therapist can really help you through so many issues. Just talking it out and having someone asking the right questions is important.
This was very interesting to me. I have cut off ties with my siblings and their spouses—also very toxic environment. I don’t go to therapy for it ( I probably should, though) but I AM writing a memoir about my my life & my family—so far it is very cathartic.
I should have went my father and brother died at a very close time, I think it would have helped me. I still grieve till this day of their passing.
I guess that’s why it’s easy to talk to strangers because they give us a view from the outside. It’s a good way to evaluate if it’s really you that’s doing something or if it’s just the person you’re dealing with.
I have gone to therapists in the past and they are good to talk to and as you said give an objective view of the situation. I have not gone in years but it may be time to revisit this.
I have been to one in he can tell you that they are definitely effective. And if you finally therapist for you a lot stuff can be learned about yourself.
I’ve never been in therapy or visited a therapist at all. I think it’s a great idea for people who need to talk through some things and get a different, professional prospective.
Getting professional help is always the best choice. Doesn’t matter if it is for physical or mental health.
Thank you for sharing this honest experience. I went to a psychologist when I was younger and struggling with family issues – the outside perspective is key! I agree! I’m sorry for your loss!
Finding a great therapist that can really connect with you and your needs is challenging sometimes but can be so helpful for healing as you say. I’m glad you found that essential outside viewpoint.