My friend Haralee Weintraub knows all about this, as she has been there. In fact, her breast cancer journey inspired her to start a business making sleepwear aimed at women who have had breast cancer. More on that below. I asked her to share some of her experience and thoughts about her cancer experience. And here they are:
Some Do’s and Don’ts in Talking with Someone with Breast Cancer
by Haralee Weintraub
Cancer is a journey. I hated that term at first until I was on the other side of this experience. Here are some tips to help so you can be a loving friend or family member to someone with cancer.
Tip #1 Try not to say anything stupid like:
“You look great!”
“You look so slim!”
“Don’t you loose weight with cancer?”
“Does cancer run in your family?”
“Do you smoke?”
The subtext that comes across here is trying to blame the patient with false information.
Tip#2: Don’t be put off if the cancer patient reels at a comment.
Between chemotherapy or radiation or surgeries, coping skills may be diminished!
Energy may be stretched for the patient. There are good days and bad days.
Tip #3: Let the Patient dictate your involvement
Cancer affects the whole family. Some family members unfortunately just don’t rise to the occasion while others exceed expectations. Friends can be a welcomed source of help or not. Take your cue from the patient herself, but ask too.
Here are 5 things you can say to someone with cancer:
1. Cancer sucks!
2. What tastes good to you today? Let’s go!
3. I am dropping a dinner to your house today!
4. Is today a good day? Want to check out ??
5. Feel like company today? OK or I will call you tomorrow!
Treatments can go on for 6-12 months. Be the friend or loved one who is in for the long haul along side of the patient.
About me:
After I finished my cancer treatments I realized my journey had profoundly changed my life. I looked closely at my career path. I wanted to make a difference. Never in a million years did I think when I was diagnosed with breast cancer that it would lead to becoming an entrepreneur!
I started my own business, www.haralee.com, helping women get a better night’s sleep with our sleepwear collection. My company donates a percentage of every sale to breast cancer. We use models that are also breast cancer survivors or their daughters or sisters, and we are made in the USA. Our styles are designed for the breast cancer patient so no buttons or lace or doo-dads that could irritate sensitive skin from surgeries or radiation. We make ‘Cool Garments for Hot Women’.
I don’t know if some people just don’t know the definition of rude or they just don’t care, but I’m glad you covered what not to say. It’s sad that you even have to cover this.
Alli Smith recently posted…Delicious Pesto Pasta Salad in Under 10 Minutes
Often what comes off as rude is just feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. When said at the time it still may sting!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Cancer runs in my family, so I’ve tried to be proactive about staying away from things that can cause it, and eating healthy and staying active. These are great tips for interacting with cancer patients!
Izzy Grey recently posted…Resin Craft: Trinket Heart Box
Thanks Izzy! Cancer is so common as we all age.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
The first time I was exposed to breast cancer was when I was a kid. The neighbor had it and I didn’t quite understand what that meant. These are some really good tips of what to do and what not to do. It is something most people should keep in mind when they are talking to someone fighting cancer.
Jeanette you bring up a good point. Talking about cancer is more open now than ever before. That said some people do not wish to talk about their health and of course their wishes should be respected.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
I often ask if it runs in that person’s family and it’s only because Aunt and my cousin had breast cancer and neither shared their diagnosis. For years when my dr would ask if Breast Cancer ran in my family, my response was always “No” but that was incorrect. Knowing it is something that runs in my family is important. My doctor now knows breast cancer runs in my family and the specific type.
Tomi C recently posted…Bedtime for Baby 10, 9, 8…Owls Up Late!
Yes Tomi, used to be breast cancer was not talked about much but thankfully no longer so if there is a family history, family members know!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
So inspiring and it is amazing how people can say such thoughtless things sometimes. It is such a difficult road but I admire someone who can get the treatment and then show such love of life and living.
Melissa Chapman recently posted…4 things I wish someone told me about parenting BIG KIDS
Like many challenges in life many people just don’t get it until they live through a life threatening disease or loss, and even then sometimes some never can relate.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
I am honored Carol to be a guest blogger on your site!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
I am so grateful that people like you talk about this experience from the inside. The hardest part of dealing with this with my mom was allowing her to dictate my involvement. But in the end, I was there when she wanted me there and stepped back when that was what she needed.
Thanks Karen. It is hard on all loved ones!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Hi Haralee! Thank you for this. It is so very important that we consider how our words and actions affect those we care about when they have a health challenge like cancer. While there are always ideas floating around about what to do, have]ig the clear thoughts and words is very helpful. Thank you again! ~Kathy
Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com recently posted…How Do You Want Your Story To Go?
Thanks Kathy. Just some ideas and of course thinking before speaking is always ‘smart’!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Cancer has taken so much from my family and I think it’s nice that you’re sharing this because most of the time, people say the wrong things because they’re not sure what to say.
Karen Morse recently posted…Styling your Home with Salvaged Items (& giveaway!)
Exactly Karen!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
This is great to keep in mind. I just always try to be supportive and let them know I’m here if they need to talk.
Amber Myers recently posted…Why Girls Love Justice
Good attitude Amber. Talking with a friend is always good medicine in my opinion.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
This is great, I would have no idea what to say to someone with cancer so it is always good to have ideas.
Sarah Bailey recently posted…Etsy Wishlist – April 2018
Thanks Sarah. Something to just keep in the back of your mind!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
So many are affected by breast cancer, both directly and indirectly. I totally understand that there should be a balance between what to say, and what not to say, especially “Do you smoke?”.
Danielle Smith recently posted…Feel Confident in Your Swimsuit This Summer
Blaming the patient is often a defense mechanism for people to distant themselves from the patient so they can think ‘this would never happen to me’.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
This is a great thing to share. I think that often people just get uncomfortable and don’t really know what to say or do.
You are right Wendy. Often people will say something they think is supportive or encouraging and it is not!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
I always at a loss what to say when I am dealing with a person with cancer. It’s important to know these do’s and dont’s.
chubskulit rose recently posted…Staircase Display: Captured Memories
Honest empathy and love and support are always good things!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Haralee, I didn’t know that your line was designed with cancer patients in mind. Thanks for this list of do’s and don’ts. People mean well, but unless they’ve been there will likely put their foot iin their mouth. Carol, thanks for including Haralee’s story!
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say to someone who is suffering from such a horrible illness. Thank you for an insiders view. I do feel these could also be used for many other types of illnesses too.
Theresa recently posted…Mom Deserves A Kiwi Yogurt Shake Up!
Absolutely Theresa, a chronic health issue or any disease, support is always welcomed
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
I’ve had friends and family suffer from this dreadful disease and it’s never easy. It’s important to know what we can say to them that won’t offend or hurt them and instead will encourage them to keep going.
Alison Rost recently posted…The Easiest Baked Eggs With Veggies (Your New Favorite Breakfast)
Alison you hit upon an important message that it is all about the patient herself not “shoulds: or unsolicited advice.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Sometimes people just say the worst things. I think don’t its meant to sound so ignorant but I totally get it being offensive and think some should definitely try harder.
Carol has some wonderful cards and prompts but unfortunately many people say stupid things. Not malicious just not informed. I agree Brianne people really need to think before they speak.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
Thanks Kathy. Even though most of my customers are suffering night sweats, I still design for the breast cancer patient and make 2 nightgowns in the color, ‘Courageous Pink’. You are right, most people are not mean just uninformed in what to say.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
This list will actually help out a lot of people. Talking about touchy subjects has its rules!
Kita Bryant recently posted…I don’t have a curated feed….and I don’t care anymore
Kita you put this as rules and I have never thought of it in that context but you are right. There are rules and unfortunately many people are unknowing rule breakers!
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
My mother had breast cancer, and I can say from experience that this list is necessary. Great way to inform people.
Sara Welch recently posted…I don’t have a curated feed….and I don’t care anymore
Thank-you Sara and I wish your Mother good health.
Haralee recently posted…Old Recipes, Old Memories
This is a good list to have on hand if you honestly don’t know what to say to someone with cancer. People can be so insensitive!
Ricci recently posted…Friday Five No. 50 #RoyallyObsessed
This is very informative! I have never even thought about what I should not say to a cancer patient. This is wonderful, thank you so much!!
Hannah Mitchell recently posted…Selling Your Home? Prep It Ready!
One of my friends from highschool developed breast cancer about 4 years ago. She was cancer free until last year, when routine blood work, followed by a scan showed that it has mastisized, and is in her spine. 🙁 These are all helpful tips to follow when speaking with someone with cancer.
Great to know! Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to say, so I generally just lend an ear. Breast cancer is something two of my friends are battling right now and I never know what to say!
My aunt had breast cancer and it was so hard on all of our family. This is such a great way to help people know what to say!
This is such great info! There are so many moments when I’ve been at a loss for words. It helps to know the dos and don’ts.
Heather recently posted…Don’t Forget the Felon in the Backseat
Great tips for communicating with people diagnosed with cancer. I have a friend, only 37 years old with cancer and started chemotherapy. I just text and every once in a while I send a text message to let her know I am thinking of her.
Kiwi recently posted…8 Must See Movies to Watch Summer 2018!
You have highlighted all the important things which i think everyone should know before talking to someone who has breast cancer.i recommend this article to all my friends. It’s a great approach… Thanks for sharing check our post about medicine used for breast cancer such as femara here Femara (Letrozole): Mechanism, Uses, Precautions, Side effects, Dosage
Hi Haralee,
I like your Tip #1 ( Try not to say anything stupid like) and trip #3 (Let the Patient dictate your involvement) so much! My aunt has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I’m worried. I know she can die but How does one actually die from it? what causes the death? I’m so much confused 🙁
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