Most of us know someone who seems to like to “wallow,” and usually in suffering. Maybe they’re sick, in pain or grieving. Whatever the source, they can’t leave the muck. They can spin out on it for weeks, months and yes, even for years.
YEARS.
I get it. Wallowing serves a function.
It’s a way we can avoid accepting what’s happened. Maybe we’ve suffered a loss. Maybe that loss is not a death but loss of mobility. Of the life we’ve had. Of financial security.
Does it seem strange to consider wallowing comfortable? Because in its discomfort, it can be comfortable.
What’s UNcomfortable is accepting our loss.
Loss is hard to accept
I’ve seen with clients. But I’ve also seen it in myself.
I’ve spent my own time wallowing and at times have had to make a concerted effort not to wallow, especially in grief. After my soulmate dog, Riley, died, I was in pretty rough shape. I wallowed in my grief, even though it was painful. I felt a little like I was going crazy. So I made an appointment with a therapist.
The week before I saw her, I went to Yosemite and something miraculous happened: I felt better. I still grieve his loss, but I stopped wallowing. I wrote about it here.
Grief: the bigger picture
But then I realized something: my grief was not only for Riley. It was for every loss I’ve suffered and failed to grieve for. I realized I couldn’t avoid grieving those loss any longer. So I kept my appointment.
Therapists have been helpful to me throughout my life. But here’s the truth: Connecting with a new therapist can be difficult and is one reason that people hesitate. No one really wants to go through their story again.
Miraculously, though, I found a therapist who spoke my language. I even managed to give her a meaty outline of my story and although I was all over the place, she tracked with me the whole time. What was even better is that she participated, with comments on my insights, adding insights of her own. And support.
Moving forward after loss is hard. Yet I knew I couldn’t wallow much longer. I had to be functional for my work, for my clients. I wanted relief from my pain and I knew I had to feel more of it to get there. I don’t expect a straight line of improvement. I know grief isn’t linear. So I’ll continue with therapy for a while.
Wallowing is part of grief. But we don’t have to stay there.
When it’s time to move forward, there are steps we can take to get out of the mire, yet still honor our loss.
I’m sure I’ll write more about this as my journey continues.
Don’t forget our helpful products for grief. Yes, I am now my own customer.
I agree that wallowing is part of grief and at some point we must move on. After the unexpected death of my mom two years ago, it would have been so easy to wallow forever, but I know she wouldn’t want that and that thought got me through the tremendous pain of loss.
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I love this so much. You always have such a unique take on grieving and how to cope with our feelings. I’ve never heard anyone say that wallowing can be good, but you’ve shown us that it’s part of the process.
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Getting professional help should always be considered. Some people I know really like seeing the glass half empty instead of half full.
I cannot say I have ever wallowed in grief but I have wallowed in depression. Everything is differnt for everyone but in my own case wallowing in it as long as I did was counterproductive and damaging to myself and my family.
valmg @ Mom Knows It All recently posted…Why I Spread the Word to End the Word
I agree, I think wallowing is fine to a point. Everyone needs to reflect on what has happened. So long as it doesn’t go on and on, I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all.
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It’s okay to wallow for a while, but not for so long you can’t pull yourself out of it. Therapists can give such different perspectives on things, it can be enlightening.
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I think at some point you have to learn to move on in order to live a fuller life. I have a friend who lost her husband about 5 years ago and cannot get over it. She still sets a place at the table for him. And she is still a fairly young person, but even with lots of support, she doesn’t want to move on.
Feeling loss and grieving is normal but at some undetermined time it has to end and we all must move on. I am not one to mourn for a long time but sometimes the sadness comes back and i face it again.
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Grief takes as long as it takes, but there comes a point when you simply have to move on. I’ve lost a lot of loved ones in my life and the one thing I’ve learned is that no matter what life goes on. You still have to live.
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This is very insightful. I would like to send this to my sister, who is still wallowing in grief over the loss of our father. He passed 21 years ago and she blames every bad thing that happens in her life on the fact that dad isn’t here. At some point, we need to accept the loss and move on. She clearly hasn’t.
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I learn more and more about the grief process through your posts. I have seen my mother wallow in grief when my father died. She was barely living her life. The good thing is that she healed on her own and started to make friends again. Wallowing is indeed a part of the grief process and I understand that my mother just wanted to be with my dad’s memory, even if it caused her so much pain.
My mom has been gone for 10 years, and I still get into moods where I wallow over her death. It takes me days to break out the funk. It’s hard sometimes to move on, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be in a place where I don’t wallow in the pain.
It doesn’t do us any good to avoid the grief. As you wallowed for Riley, the other losses you’d experience manifested also. I appreciate your insight, knowing that wallowing is a part of the process. Although I don’t want to stay in that space indefinitely, it’s reassuring to know that I can use that period to help heal.
It’s part of the grieving process and there’s no real timeline for moving on. If it interferes with your day to day for too long, it may be necessary to get help but take your time and heal.
Wallowing may be part of the process. I think it’s also important to know when it’s time to move forward and start to heal. It’s a process for sure.
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Such a huge concept , the wallowing. I don’t think you can move on from it. I think you can address it and put it on a shelf. Triggers can push it off the shelf but after you have accepted that it is now a part of you, you can put it back up on the shelf.
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I have had my fair share of wallowing. I try not to let it take control, but we all know how hard that is.
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It has been a few years since I have truly wallowed. You really learn a lot about yourself in those times.
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I love that you realized your intense grief was all-encompassing. I had an incident like that too, though it was different than your example, I was also applying another ‘thing’ to the current one that hurt.
I love that you realized your intense grief was all-encompassing. I had an incident like that too, though it was different than your example, I was also applying another ‘thing’ to the current one that hurt..
So if wallowing is so bad for us … why does it feel so good? Like scratching an itch, which only makes it itch more, or pushing on a hangnail, which only makes it hurt more. Wish I had the answer.
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I believe the grief process is different for everyone. I lost my dad early in life and it was difficult for a young girl not to have the protection of a father. I admit I wallowed in my grief and feared going out with friends. It took me years to get over the loss. The sadness is gone now, replaced by happy memories of being with my dad. I still miss him terribly, but I know I have overcome the grief.
WHAt a great post. Everyone grieves differently and you have touched on some great points.
Life will always be hard if you can’t move on. Stay in the bible and everything will get better.
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I think at some point you have to move on and stop living in the past. I know I have had many things to grieve over and never really got to, and just kind of sucked it up and moved on… I know that’s hard for some people though.
We all deal with grief in a number of ways. Wallowing is a part of it for many I believe. You are very right
Grief is the hardest and I guess the most common reason people wallow with their emotions. I have been there, I still wallow with the grief of losing my father and brother in such a close time
I wallow when I need to and sometimes I overdo it. I think this is healthy emotionally. I also make myself stronger by meditating on God’s word to help me move forward.
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There is definitely a time and a season for everything under the sun. A time to grieve is a part of the human experience. It is ok to wallow, as long as you move on from there
I think expressing grief is important because otherwise it can take over your body. When my youngest brother died, my whole body became stiff. I could barely move for several days. As women, we try to be especially strong about it, because we have others, (children, relatives, spouse) we don’t want to freak out.
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Its ok to let your emotions out to cleanse but long term walling is not healthy. There need to be a balance so one doesnt get too depressed because mental meltdowns can happen.
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Wallowing is definitely part of the grieving process and I think it helps, when we snap out of it
Wallowing is a part of life at certain times and you have shared your story with us so that we may understand the process. I sometimes think people like to wallow rather than move on but we all grieve differently as you say. Hope you are ok.