My friend, the poet Charles Brady wrote this about insomnia, but it applied to something else that’s been on my mind:
Can’t Sleep Haiku
In the lost hours between then and now
a neighbor turns his speakers
and Dvorak and his buddies hurry over
– C Brady
The lost hours between then and now.
Yes. It seems like our lives are often marked between then and now, or, as I have been thinking, before and after.
Sometimes it’s a normal rite of passage:
Before I left college.
Before I got married.
Before I worked at this job.
Before I retired.
Before we divorced.
And sometimes it’s fraught with emotion:
Before he died.
When he was here.
When we took him to Wednesday morning class.
Before my diagnosis.
They’re not lost years, exactly, but they’re lost to us now. They live in our past now, in our memories.
And sometimes it’s not a good fit.
We don’t want them in the past. We want those years back.
But try as we might, we can’t get them back. Then can never be now. Ever again. And that’s the crux of the problem.
It’s a struggle many of us have and I am one of them. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to accept reality. It’s irrational, I know, but still, I rail against the now and wish for the then.
No matter if the loss is a job, a loved one, a pet, a home or our health, this raging against NOW is simply one stage in a grieving process that any of us who have suffered a loss passes through.
Some of us take longer than others to move through it. When my mother died my active grief lasted almost two years. A long time. I have no reason to expect different for my beloved Riley, as I cry almost daily about his transition to my then. I want him in my now. I rail against its impossibility.
I know this is something that just about everyone can relate to and so I ask, if you have gone through a similar process after any kind of loss, I’d love to know what helped you heal. Because sharing this can help the rest of us who are still in the healing process.
Thank you.
May 7th marks the second year of my mom’s unexpected passing. Even now, it’s hard to wrap my head around it and sometimes, for a brief moment, I’ll start to call her and realize it all over again. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and I’m thankful for all the wonderful memories.
Alli Smith recently posted…Delicious Lemon Blueberry Cinnamon Roll Bake
As I am older now there is much looking back and remember when. There is so much I want to try and experience and seems like time is running out. Always keep doing and moving.
candy recently posted…Milk and Honey Balls
Oh yes, grief can be a tricky thing. Some people DO take longer to heal. Meanwhile, when my husband’s father died, he seemed to bounce right back and I was like, “Don’t you just want to curl up and CRY?”
Amber Myers recently posted…It’s All About The Hair
A loss is never easy to deal with and it breaks my heart whenever someone I’m close to deals with it. Those are lost moments, indeed. Moments that we wish we can go back to at any time. I’m glad you have ways to help out!
Karen Morse recently posted…Oprah’s Favorite Things: Talbots & O Magazine’s Collection
Loss can be difficult to deal with, certainly if it’s the loss of a loved one as well as for other events in life that bring unexpeected life changes. That which we love the most we grieve the most, I still grieve the passing of my grandma which happened over 20 years ago.
valmg @ Mom Knows It All recently posted…5 Tips To Getting The Best Price On A Car
For me, I think it’s easier when there is preparation. When my brother died, it was unexpected. He passed out at work one day, was taken to the hospital and died two days later. It was such a shock. It happened in December before Christmas and I remember that I went through the holiday and the next few months like a zombie. I didn’t even take down my Christmas tree until February, and it was almost like I came out of a stupor.
When my sister died, I’d spent weeks going to the hospital each day to read to her while she was in a medically induced coma. The nurses said that she could hear and that it was soothing to her. I think it was soothing to me as well. I also wrote about it all in my blog and I think that helped as well. When she died, I think I was better prepared for it. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times that I break. It happens, but for the most part I can look back with love and laughter and gladness not sadness.
You raise such good points, Jennifer.
We’ve lost people in our lives along with the moments that we can never go back to. It’s the pain of loss and it’s tough to deal with most of the time. I am glad you’re helping people heal from such pain.
Alison Rost recently posted…Have a Peaceful (and Delicious) Weekend
Loss is the hardest thing, and all that missing and time without them… It’s heartbreaking. Sending love.
Angie recently posted…How to Create Unique Artwork for Your Home
Losses are never easy to deal with – it is only natural to feel pangs of guilt or think of the “what if’s.” I think it’s wonderful that you brought up something like this and are leaving people to openly discuss situations they’ve ever found themselves in. Thank you.
Kelly Reci recently posted…Your Dog’s Hygiene Is Made Easy with Zyrtec
I agree with Jennifer – it’s all about the preparation. Sudden death, however old the person, seems harder to reconcile in our minds whilst grieving. Although my dad’s death was sudden last year, he had suffered from dementia for 12 years and I grieved his loss of memory whilst he was alive for most of those 12 years, that when he did die I was able to reflect on good times prior to his illness.
Linda Hobden recently posted…An Interview With Dress Code Nine
I can relate to what you said, all of it. I still wishes that my dad and brother did not die so suddenly. My dad would have enjoyed seeing his grandchildren.
There are some things I would gladly leave in the past, but there are others that I wish I could still have in the present. My father passed away 26 years ago and I am still recovering from it. I try to remember all those happy times and think about what life would have been if he were still with us now.
Grief is such a difficult thing to experience. I lost a relative last year and it is still a painful raw memory. I try to focus on all the positive memories from the past!
Jenn @ EngineerMommy recently posted…Time-Saving Tips & $300 My Gift Stop Giveaway
I hate thinking about time lost. So many things can sneak in and wisp precious moments away from you before you know it.
Kita Bryant recently posted…5 must have images to capture for a birthday party
My Mom passed away almost 18 years ago and it still seems like just yesterday. I miss her so much!!!
Ricci recently posted…Friday Five No. 44 – What I’m Buying for Spring
This is really a good post. This is something a lot of people struggle with. I do too sometimes. But when I get sad, I always remind myself that better things are ahead. And, as a Christian, I have an eternal hope and an optimistic view that nothing that I’m experiencing now can even compare to how great everything will be in heaven.
Gabriella recently posted…Delicious Peruvian Food to Add to Your Bucket List
As I am still reeling from my father’s recent death I take comfort from your post and the lovley comments. I know life goes on but I still want my father in my now. Thanks carol for your writing.
Debbie recently posted…A minor detail – Week 33 of 52 week photo project
This is a huge struggle for me. I really want my ‘before’ life back, yet I know that is not possible.