If you know someone with a brain injury–or any other debilitating condition– this is a must-read.
Ruth Curran, brain injury survivor, author of Being Brain Healthy: What my brain injury taught me and how it can change your life, and co-author of An Insider’s Guide to the Injured Brain: A workbook for survivors and those who support them, and brain coach, just had a birthday. Yes, random.
But today, she shares her thoughts on two forms of hidden grief — loss of self and loss of someone you love when incidents fundamentally change how survivors act and interact with the world – and where grief and healing intersect and intertwine.
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Survivors and those who support them live at the intersection of grief and healing.
That is a tough statement to unpack, process, and digest but let’s try.
Grief seems very straightforward. It is a natural and expected part of the life cycle and a process that we all go through after a loss.
Healing also seems straightforward. It is a natural and expected part of the life cycle and a process that we all go through as part of recovery from a blow to physical, emotional, or spiritual status.
The side effects of a brain injury – the changes in thinking, processing, and understanding the world – can create a loss of self. That loss of self is reflected both internally and externally. A loss of self can throw not just the survivor but also everyone they touch, off balance.
Grief is the avenue to heal that loss.
Think about this for just a minute: Grief feels selfish and unacceptable when the survivor actually survives. That is especially difficult for support (family, friends, co-workers) who simply want the survivor to be and act as they did before the incident that changed everything. The “How dare I feel a loss? They are still here and I should be grateful” thoughts are so troubling that they get buried and may never be acknowledged.
That grief, that loss, that emptiness deserves recognition and healing.
The path to grieving that loss is challenging and we need tools to help us navigate those feelings and bring some clarity. In An Insider’s Guide to the Injured Brain: A workbook for survivors and those who support them, my co-author Mary Lanzavecchia and I laid out some of those tools and provided some insights into the process. I love every single exercise and process we presented. I know from personal experience that they work.
When I saw Carol’s affirmation cards and journalling exercises for facilitating healing and the grief process, it simply felt like the perfect complement to our approach. We talk about the power of affirmations and journaling. We talk about how it is invaluable to feel like you are actively pursuing healing.
I got out my Grief Affirmation deck to see how this would work and I randomly pulled five cards. Here is what I got:
I am patient with myself.
I live in the wholeness of every moment of every day.
I feel my grief but I do not let it consume me. My life goes on.
I surround myself with loving and supportive people.
Only good awaits me, and I look to the future with joy.
Wow…. How perfect. Every single one was a valuable message and tool that both survivors and support could use to navigate the loss of who that person was.
Every single message reinforced the validity of the feeling, the goodness in the moment, and the hope in the future.
Simply perfect.
In An Insider’s Guide to the Injured Brain, we found that stories, shared by survivors and those who support them, may give insight, but work provides hope.
The after effects of brain-changing incidents are broad reaching and when unaddressed can take their toll on relationships. The exercises in An Insider’s Guide to the Injured Brain and the work that you will do with the Affirmation Cards and Journals from A Healing Spirit are not just healing for survivors, they are also incredibly lifechanging for support. The combination of the book and products from A Healing Spirit opens a dialogue and an avenue for all to become partners—active participants—in the healing and grieving process.
I truly believe that the combination of Mary’s and my book, and Carol’s cards/journals can set you on a path to well-grounded and well-rounded understanding and healing.
And therein lies hope.
I thank Ruth for the connection she made between brain injury and grief. I think it holds true for many other serious injuries and diseases, as well.
This post contains affiliate links.
It’s so important not to let grief consume you. I like what you said about life goes on. Surrounding ourselves with supportive people really helps the grieving process as well.
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I don’t know anyone right now with any kind of brain injury but have in the past. This is wonderful and helpful on how to handle something like this.
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You bring up a really interesting point. You know that person who “had” a brain injury? They still do! That person, more likely than not, has changed and is coping with the after-effects, including their feelings of loss of self, in ways that the rest of the world just can’t see. Thank you for bring that issue light!
I think journaling can really help! I have been toying with the idea of starting a journal myself.
I imagine this would be difficult to go through. I know journals usually help me out when I’m not feeling my best.
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This is such a difficult subject to write about and I am so glad that more people are talking about it as hopefully it will give those that need help a greater amount of resources. You raise some very interesting points and I am going to bring them up with my friend who works in the rehab hospital here. Thanks for writing about this.
I think that “deck” sounds awesome to use. My school counselor had something similar and I know she loved it. Thank you for sharing this important concept of brain injury and healing.
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I don’t want to be consumed by grief, but I need to let the process happen. I haven’t had to deal with someone with a brain injury. A good friend of mine did, and it was her Mom. It was tough dealing with the “new normal.” Not impossible though.
She might find those books helpful. I gave one to a friend who had chemo brain. She found it helpful.
Wow, this would be horrible to deal with and go through. I would imagine that the person with the brain injury and the loved ones watching helplessly would be tough to deal with. The strength people find in these situations is amazing!
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I have a friend who recently suffered a brain injury. She lost her short-term memory, but gradually its coming back. Can’t think of anything scarier than losing parts of who we are. Very interesting post.
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Laurie, you may want to consider referring her to Ruth’s books. My friend got so much good advice from the first one and I’m sure the 2nd is just as good.
I’ve not experienced a loved one having a brain injury but can understand the difficulty for both the patient and their loved ones and friends. the problem is life does go on no matter what is happening in ;our world’ and we need a way to deal and move forward. I hadn’t thought about the link between this Ruth’s situation and grieving but yes I see it now. Thank you both and the affirmation cards from Carol and your book would be great tools to help in the process.
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When my dad was first diagnosed with dementia, he was 62 and wasn’t too dissimilar to how he used to be. Ok, he poured salt on his cornflakes … but he still was able to have a bit of a conversation. But then dad disappeared. Not physically but mentally. I started to grieve him then. I felt guilty for grieving my dad when he was still alive. I missed the person my dad was. For 12 years I grieved in between the visits. When he died I felt grief & a sense of relief that I can now remember my dad properly the way he was.
Like strokes & other serious brain injuries, it is very hard to accept that things won’t ever be the same.
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Linda, I am going through this now in a big way re: Riley. It really is hard to accept that things won’t be the same. We want “then” back. But all we can have is “now.”
I can understand why a traumatic brain injury would cause grief. Any chronic illness or disability can be.
Oh my goodness, thank you for so much information! I do know a client suffering from brain injury!
Grief of any kind can be difficult to deal with and isn’t the same for any two people. Sometimes it’s challengin not to let depression ovetake and settle in.
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Could never imagine having to go through such an ordeal. Those are some good tips to be able to try and make the best of it
This is such a great post for anyone dealing with grief! I really like where you said that you feel grief but you don’t let it consume you. I definitely think that’s something more people need to hear!
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Never in my life did I need to deal with brain injury before. For that I am thankful. But whatever challenge or ordeal you might be facing, I think those affirmation cards will truly help you.
I’ve seen the devastating effects of brain injury throughout my career as a nurse. And grief is intertwined with the joy of survival. So good to acknowledge this and give support to those who are dealing with this loss of life as they knew it.
The grief affirmation deck sounds like a really good idea, I actually like the sound of this for dealing with the likes of body confidence and anxiety etc. Grief is the avenue to heal that loss. – I liked that sentence I think it would be a good one to hold on to.
We all panic when we hear anything to do with our valuable brains and I highly admire Ruth for sharing her story. You are doing such wonderful work here, Carol!
I have a friend who has had brain injury and is still in the process of recovering. I think the books and the journal can be of great help to him and his family as well.
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Grief and guilt are heavy burdens to carry and usually co-exist and egg each other on in a never-ending circle of emotion. It’s hard to break free. The tools mentioned in this post are instrumental in helping both victims and survivors break free of the cycle. Thank you both for helping those that may even recognize that they need help processing natural occurring emotions and feelings.
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A dear friend of ours passed few months ago with brain tumor, it’s a devastating loss! This is a great article, it helps us to cope with a loss.
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First off, thank you for sharing such an honest and well-written post. After reading through, I think it’s important to not let the grief of an injury consume you, but also to acknowledge it fully for exactly what it is and how it’s making you feel before trying to move forward.
I have a friend whose husband is going through this trauma right now. Such sad circumstances, but she is tough.
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What en eye opening post. It is so hard to recover and move on from accidents and other traumatic incidents. I have learned that grief comes in waves, and you will never be the same.
On Superbowl Sunday 2017, my friend Steve was hit by a drunk driver while he was out riding his bicycle. He survived but is now immobile and unable to communicate with his wife and four sons. To see how the brain repairs itself has been eye opening. You mention grief which is something I think the members of our community have felt. Steve is still here, but it’s like we lost him at the same time.
It is really sad to see someone alive yet with a part of their self dead. It is difficult on them as well as the people inn their close circle to come to terms and cope with the changed circumstances.
My neighbor has a brain injury and she is the most positive person I’ve ever met. She’s thankful for the small things that I forget to be thankful for. She journals when she feels she needs to get her feelings out but she doesn’t let anyone or anything get in her way of happiness.
Phew, your posts about grief and loss are always so deep and touching. I was just asking myself how you feel yourself when writing about all these heartbreaking stories. I could often cry just by reading, but I also always find comfort in your articles! I very much love the quote, it’s beautiful!
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