Day of the Dead / Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi in Santa Fe, NM
We’re not comfortable with death or for that matter, with grief. We live in a a society that considers death and talk about death a taboo. One that often thinks grieving loved ones should “be over it by now.” Oh, those grief myths.
But death is a universal and so is grief. They’ll both happen to us at some point, even if we’ve been untouched by them so far. So let’s demystify some grief myths.
A prompt from my Guided Journal through Grief, available here.
- Talking about the deceased person makes the surviving loved ones uncomfortable. That’s just not true. Sharing memories of the person who has died can be a great comfort to the family. And if they share a story or two or three in return, well, there’s nothing better for grief than talking about those memories out loud. And having someone listen with a loving heart.
- A year is enough time to mourn. In fact, there is no set time for grief. It takes as long as it takes and that is a very individual thing. In some cases a loved one’s long illness provides them time to grieve their loss even before it has “officially” happened. Anticipatory grief is very real. I know this, myself, because I’ve experienced it. In other cases family and friends only begin the process after their loved one’s death. The grieving process is different for everyone.
- If someone who grieves expresses sadness, grief or loneliness, it’s best to distract them by changing the subject. No. That’s the worst thing you can do. When others listen and even acknowledge our sadness and loneliness it is a comfort that helps ease the pain. Let them talk, cry, rail at the universe, whatever they need to do. Just listening is the best gift of all.
- If you don’t cry, you’re not grieving. Not true. Sometimes the shock of loss is numbing. Some people don’t like to cry publicly. And yes, sometimes, after a long, difficult illness, the first reaction is relief and that’s ok. Everyone grieves differently. Hugs are always appropriate responses to anyone’s grief.
- Surviving family members do not want to be reminded of their loss. No. It is a gift to remember an anniversary of a loved one’s death and to tell a friend you are thinking of them at that time.
- The stages of grief are sequential. They’re not. How someone moves through the stages–or moves back and forth between them–is unique to that person. It’s not the orderly process we wish it were. The steps to transforming grief are different for everyone.
Some ideas on rituals to honor the dead from my Guided Journal through Grief.
I’ve not only studied grief, but I’ve lived through it time and time again. So when I sat down to produce our supportive products for those who grieve, I knew more than a little about it. Our Guided Journal through Grief is meant to help loved ones feel through their grief by expressing their emotions in safe place. Each page has a meditation, a prompt, an activity or an idea for a ritual to honor their loved one. If they don’t like to write, they can make a little collage of mementoes and things cut out of magazines. Or draw or paint. Customers say that the guided journal is a wonderful place for them to let out all they feel–and at the end, they love having the completed journal about their relationship with their loved one. Some even plan to share this “memory book” with children who may not have known a grandparent or other family member.
Our elegant Transforming Grief Affirmation Deck or convenient Online Subscription with the same affirmations gives loved ones a daily healing meditation to help them not only remember, but honor their loved ones.
Transforming Grief affirmation deck and Guided Journal through Grief.
Please know that both the guided journal and card deck are beautiful, supportive tools — part of our Large Condolence Gift that is now on sale for $30 –and we’ll ship anywhere in the US free U.S. and discount shipping to other countries. Your message on our card. These have been very well-received. Sale on until Dec 1. The cards are part of our Regular Condolence gift now on sale for only $15 with free shipping.
See all of our lovely, sensitive grief products and condolence gifts here at A Healing Spirit. The online affirmation subscriptions are on sale until Dec. 31.
The holidays are a tough time to grieve and don’t I know it: I honor two losses every Christmas season. These gifts would be thoughtful to anyone in this position. Sale ends Friday.
A thoughtful gift, now on sale for only $30 and free U.S. shipping.
This is such a difficult topic for people to talk about and some don’t even know how to approach it. I think that’s why those myths you talk about exist. They make it easier for us to avoid a tough topic.
We all had experience of grief. Losing something or someone can be cause of this grief. It’s very hard feeling but we need to go through this.
So true. I lost my grandfather a year ago and my roommate to suicide two years ago. It doesn’t seem to get easier no matter how much time passes, but it helps to know that others resonate with my own perception of grief’s stages.
When I’m dealing with something I don’t want anyone outside of it to bring it up. One of the worst times of my life was when my grandmother died. We lived with her part of my childhood and it was a tough loss. When my sister or mom brought her up, I knew they felt it too so it was okay. When coworkers or friends brought it up I would just kind of shut down because the loss felt sacred. I welcome well wishes and concern. I also love when things remind me of the people i’ve lost and the good times. If you knew the person I always welcome thinking about the good times with other people.
this is a great article. I think it varies for each person and each situation.
These are great trips. It’s never easy when a loved one passes.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I never know what to do when someone is going through grief. This helps a lot.
I love this eye-opening post about grief and it’s a process. It dispells untruths about how to grieve. Each person has their own path and only through process & embrace will the healing journey be settled. ❤️
Great points. 🙂 One thing I have learned about grief, based on personal experience and from friends who have gone through the same ordeal, is that people cope with it differently.
These are all so true. I think it’s important that we express what we’re feeling and stop keeping it inside. Talking about the person we lost and our emotions help so much when dealing with grief.
There’s no time limit on grief. There’s no set way to grieve either. I would hate if someone held me to a standard.
Everyone handles grief in their own way. Sometimes grief never really goes away either.
These are all so true. I don’t think we ever get over losing someone and everyone needs their own timeframe to learn to get on with their lives. I always found it comforting to talk about the person we lost.
Hearing stories about my dad was really comforting after his passing. I still love to hear them after 20 years. One year or twenty, nobody every fully recovers from the loss of a loved one.
Mourning has no timeline. A year is definitely not enough time for most people to grieve.
Thank you for writing this. Oh I hate comments like, “Its been a year. You have to snap out of it.” Some people can be so insensitive! I hope this article reaches far and wide to educate people that the grief process is unique for every individual.
Yes to all of these! To set a time on how long someone should mourn is just ridiculous.
I think it is so important to realize that everyone grieves differently. When my Dad died, I heard so many cliché things to make me feel better, and I hated it. I have come to realize that we all have our own way, and it is important to support those by letting them grieve in their own way.
Such an excellent post! Grief is a touchy subject, yet an important one to discuss. I have learned everyone grieves differently and that is totally okay!
Everyone handles grief differently. These are some good points to consider.
These are important myths to get out there. Sometimes people who don’t cry after experiencing a loss are told that they don’t care, which isn’t true at all. Everyone grieves differently and that’s okay.
My Mom has been gone 52 years. The grief still surfaces sometimes. I had to seek professional help for it years ago because, when it happened, I was expected to just move on and not ever talk about it. I can testify to what that does and your advice is perfect.
This post is so helpful! Grief is definitely a personal process and no two people go through it the same. It is important to know that you can grieve in your own way and own time.
Right you are on your points. Of course some people say things that are stupid because they don’t know what to say!
Grief is one of those things we have to let others do, no matter the age. We often tend to change the subject when a loved one who has passed is mentioned. I can understand after reading this that that’s not the best thing to do.
It is so important for everyone to read this. Everyone. I have heard all of these myths, and I’ve even bought into a few of them over the years.
I think grief is such a personal thing which is individual isn’t it. I think people deal with loosing people in different ways so am really pleased to hear you dispelling those myths.
I am coming up on the one year mark of losing my mom and a year is DEFINITELY not enough. I don’t know if a lifetime would even be enough.