Enmeshed family. Have you ever heard of this? Even if you don’t know the name, I’ll bet that like me, you have known an enmeshed family or two. You’ll recognize them because they are bonded by some obviously unhealthy attachments and emotions.
In an enmeshed family, personal boundaries are very loose, and sometimes non-existent. The enmeshments I’ve known are those in which the adult leans on the child for emotional support, usually hen a parent confides in and over-shares personal and adult information with their child. I’ve seen this most often about relationships, when a mother will make their child the repository of their own pain and bitterness after a separation. They’ll confide deeply personal and adult matters to their child in order to get comfort and support.
Or parents can try to live or re-live their own lives through their kids, pressuring them to play sports or do something else they never got to do. This is also enmeshment.
Parents who do this can’t see how it leads to a child feeling responsible for the parent–a burden no child should have to carry. They just can’t see it. That’s because they are so focused on their own pain, their own needs, their own comfort. It never occurs to them that they might be damaging their child.
Enmeshed families are also those in which there is pressure to keep a grown child close to home, instead of encouraging them to spread their wings and fly. Because after the word “fly” comes “away.” Which to an insecure parent is to be avoided at all costs, because they fear their own emotional support could disappear.
Of course, kids should not be expected to provide emotional support to parents. It’s supposed to work the other way around.
Kids in enmeshed families often grow up without learning how to set their own boundaries. They have trouble saying no–and achieving any sense of independence and autonomy. And one of the saddest outcomes is that the child feels responsible for the parent in an unhealthy role reversal.
When someone tells me their kid is their best friend, I am not charmed. I see warning flags. Because a child is not a best friend. Yes, I can hear the protests now. But a best friend is an entirely different thing than a child.
And yes, it is entirely possible to have a close parental relationship without compromising one another’s emotional health. But not “best friends.”
So many times I’ve wanted to speak up–but if a parent enmeshes their child in adult emotions and situations, they are rarely able to see it as wrong. And, since I don’t have kids, it’s easy for any parent to discount what I might say about parenting. So, I regret that I must stay silent.
If you think you might be in an enmeshed relationship with a parent, here’s what you can do:
Begin to set boundaries.
Start small. For example, if your mother expects you to call her every day, suggest a call every few days instead. Tell her that you have work or school to focus on and do not be accusatory. Just begin to claim your own time and space. Nicely.
Now, after I grew up and moved away, I did talk to my mother pretty much daily. But I had already claimed my independence. And I never thought of her as my best friend: she was my MOM. A different thing.
Get therapy
I’m a believe in getting professional help, even if it is short-term. Sometimes it’s the best way to learn how to disentangle yourself. You night not know that colleges and universities sometimes offer discounted sessions with their psych grad students.
Take alone time and time with other friends
If you’ve been consumed by family, practice taking time by yourself and also reach out to others who are not part of the family. This is all part of developing a more healthy life. A broader life. One that’s not dependent on an unhealthy connection.
Do something for others
Why not volunteer for a cause you are passionate about? Children, the environment, pets, health. The idea is to develop a life beyond your enmeshed family.
Got something you’d like to share about this subject? Comments below make me so happy! Yes, even if you disagree!
My ex-husband tried to do that with our son during our divorce. Kind of a “me and you against her” thing but my son would not do it. At first, he would listen to his father and not join in but he was hearing way too much information about us and our divorce. He was 15 at the time and he just got sick of it and stopped talking to his father. For 4 years. He knew what he needed to do to protect himself emotionally and he did it. Unfortunately, his father never matured to the level that his son was at and they’ve had sporadic contact over the years.
It’s so sad. And so common.
I too cringe when I hear someone tell me their 12 year-old is their best friend. If your daughter is 30 that’s different. I remember my mother saying to me ” I am not your friend, I am your mother.” It stung when I was 12 but I grew to understand it and am thankful she gave me wings to fly.
I know. It’s… kind of creepy.
I had honestly never heard this term before but I’ve seen it so many times. Good tips for dealing with this problem
I only learned he term recently but yes, have seen it too much.
I think you can be childless and still have some good observations about parent/child relationships. My inexpert opinion is that anyone in this type of relationship would do well to seek out a good therapist. Such a grown child is trapped in a fashion few of us not in that kind of trap can imagine.
Yes. A therapist is a very good idea.
This hits so close to home as I watch my brother and his daughter. I love them dearly but much of what you say here describes them and the only boundary my brother seems to set is the one around him and his daughter to shut out those who might want to talk about co-dependency.
It is so sad to watch and yes, shutting out good input is not unusual, Pennie. Am so sorry.
I am a parent of 5 – my eldest 3 left home aged between 16-18 to pursue further education/university in towns a number of hours drive away from home. Yes I did miss them, worried about them but they have all since settled down in their own homes with jobs and partners. My youngest two have a few years before I’m sure they’ll do the same. I always believed that parenting is nurturing your offspring to become lovely intelligent human beings that are also trustworthy and independent- and all 5 can cook too!!! I agree with you Carol that although a parents love is unconditional, your offspring are not best friends.
Since I do know you in RL, I imagine you to be an excellent parent interested in their kids growth~!
Oh, do I relate to this! I was the repository for way TMI from my mother from the time I was a child. My sense of feeling responsible for her emotional (not to mention economic) well-being never completely ended until she died. Therapy, good friends and a solid marriage helped me maintain some boundaries, but it was an ongoing struggle. Thanks for the insight and affirmation you provide in this post, Carol.
Oh, Roxanne, I am so sorry for this. I completely get how hard it must have been to be independent. The woman you are now has obviously been hard-earned. And is pretty darn terrific!