I’ve never been more aware of the process of growing into ourselves as I have been during these first weeks in my hometown. And it’s been quite a walk down memory lane.
When I was 30 my husband told me he wanted a divorce. There were many reasons why it would’ve been easy to leave the small city I lived in more than a thousand miles distant, and return to the city of my family. In fact, my mother pleaded with me to do just that. I never said “No.” I just said “I can’t.”
Deep inside I knew that the best thing for me would be to build my own life from scratch. To make my own way. To become the person I was meant to be, not someone my family expected me to be. The thought of returning to my hometown scared me, to be honest. Yes, I was running from some things, but I knew I was meant for a different life. I just didn’t know what it would look like. (Nor did I know how hard it would be, at times.)
So that’s what I did. I stayed in my city. I had a disastrous (but relatively short) rebound marriage and that propelled me to California, where I built my entire life from scratch. And grew up, making a few mistakes along the way. Slowly, those experiences shaped the person I became. The woman I am today.
It’s now 40 years later and I’m back in my hometown, building a second home. Just about every day is super-joyful. I embrace the family and friends back in my life in a way I couldn’t have decades ago. Just how much has surprised me.
I am ready to be “home” again, at least part-time. That’s because I am already formed. No one’s expectations matter to me but my own.
It’s bittersweet, too. My parents are gone and some doors are closed. But on balance? Growing into myself has allowed me to embrace and enjoy the experience of going home again. I am more than ready for the peals of laughter that I’m experiencing as I fully appreciate the people, places and things in my life here.
And under these circumstances, I highly recommend it.
See our beautiful gifts for healing and grief, here.
Life came full-circle for you. I am not sure I could go back to mine to live. I like to visit though. Now that my parents are gone it would be really hard for me though.
Yes, I said that, too, and so did my husband. This second home is an easier way to do it and still retain our regular life.
I can identify with a lot of this. I left my native New York City when I was 21 for various reasons, including getting away from in laws who opposed my husband’s interfaith marriage to me. They never even went to our wedding, a small civil wedding in my best friend’s Brooklyn apartment. We moved back to New York State 12 years later. My husband and I (still married now 46 years later) both needed that time some 1500 miles away from family. The twist with us is that neither of us moved back to our hometowns, but rather started over some 150 miles away. We needed that distance. Sometimes, leaving is really the best thing for our growth and our sanity. Neither of us have any desire to move back to our hometowns.
We had no desire to do that either. And then one day, my husband suggested a second home there. Which allows us to maintain our apartness but gives us what he (and I, apparently) sought. This method works for us. Not everyone can do it this way. And of course, not everyone wants to.
Growing into myself – what a great concept. Congratulations.
Yes, I never realized it until this month.
I’m so happy to see your happiness, Carol!
I’ve often wondered about going ‘home’. The small town I grew up in has changed drastically in some ways and not at all in others.
My best friend still lives and farms there. But he has grown bitter and angry and resentful.
Now I’m frightened to even try…
It can be difficult. Iam sorry for his bitterness. I have a friend like that, too.
It’s always interesting when life comes full circle. It makes us see the patterns and many times, the lessons. Glad its worked out!
Well, early stages. Time will tell!