Setting limits, defining boundaries, doing what’s best for us –these are all part of a healthy life.
And yet, it’s something many women have problems doing. Yes, women. Mostly. So today I am talking to women.
Part of it might be because as moms, there are many years when the family must come first. Certainly, while kids are young, it’s imperative to put their needs first. To focus on nurturing.
The stereotypical “interfering mom”
But as children grow up and out of the house, many women get out of the habit of nurturing themselves. They interfere. Sometimes, they even end up in dysfunctional relationships living “for” instead of “with” children who are trying to be independent.
Whatever the reason, we all need to remember that setting limits is part of self-care. Establishing our own boundaries is healthy. It’s one of the most important things we can do to nurture ourselves.
Here’s today’s message: It’s not my job to fix others.
When we see someone in trouble we want to make right, don’t we? I know I do. BUT: Very few people have a superpower that allows them to fix others. To make their flaws disappear.
In fact, the only person we can actually fix is ourselves. And sometimes, even that is a challenge. So, why we think we can fix others is beyond me.
Here’s what that does: It sets up a dynamic where one person thinks they are more powerful than the other.
Me, too. (Not Me Too)
Oh, I’ve been guilty of this. Of seeing the “potential” and wanting someone to reach it.
But it’s not my responsibility to do that. My responsibility is to fix my own stuff, to tend to my own business.To let them be themselves.
“You be you and I’ll be me” comes to mind.
Oh, I know it’s hard. Especially when a loved one being themselves is painful to watch. But we can not interfere. Lessons are only learned if we are allowed to make mistakes, even terrible ones.
It’s hard, sometimes, to figure out when it’s ok to intervene and when it’s not. But overall, I’m reminded of something said by Pema Chodron:“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.”
This is a good article. Often we do get into the habit of fixing everyone else. It is exhausting. It is tiresome. Imagine all we could do i we stopped fixing those who we are not responsible for fixing.
Oddly I have rarely had the desire to want to fix broken people. Well that depends on if it’s really fixable or not I suppose. It pains me to see others fail at trying to fix people. But it’s a lesson I figure we all must learn. I’ve been sucked in before too. No longer.
It is hard to not be sucked in with some people without looking uncaring or callous !
Thank you for the reminder. I am 57 and still trying to learn to care for myself. And to lay out boundaries. It is specially hard, I think for people that are born with the gift of practicing healing. Like yourself.
I think it is one of the toughest lessons we all learn!
Thanks for the reminder. I already know this, but my mind too often goes to, “why doesn’t she . . . ?”
Truth, girl! Truth.
Your post resonates as usual! Almost every therapy session I still work on taking care of myself. Like many people our age I have health problems requiring ongoing attention. But I also have two adult children in periodic mental health crisis. Asking for help is nearly impossible. People say they admire my “resilience”. That word has become a barrier to self-care. I don’t even know what self-care looks like. Growing up my mother frequently accused my sister and me of being “selfish individuals”. (Of course she meant that we were not always thinking about HER) We realized as adults that she was a narcissist. But her admonition when we became mothers to “take care of number one first” (meaning ourselves) has some value to it so it seems.
Well, your situation and that of any parent with kids that have mental health issues has challenges I can’ only understand a tiny bit. These are tough things to work with. And on top of it, you absolutely need self care–it is a matter of life or death. Also, there is a difference between selfish and self-care Thing is, we do no one any good if we don’t take care of our own life. But it can be way complicated, like in your situation. oxo