She’s been gone two and a half years (but who’s counting?) and you’d think by now I’d have my grief more in hand. None of that lingering grief.
Instead, what I had in hand was a tissue when I pulled the car over to cry. I miss the hell out of her. I miss her perspective. Her laughter. Her sidelong glance when I was talking about something crazy.
I miss watching sappy movies with her. Or just sitting talking about everything. I miss having that one person who has known me through thick and thin and I mean KNOW in capitals.
This month has been hard and I’m not sure why. Oh, I know that grief comes in waves and sometimes blindsides us. But what’s so different about this month? And I’m not the only one who feels it. I had breakfast with her son and we shared some of the same feelings. And emotion. Same with another dear friend of hers.
Grief is lingers because there was and still is deep love. You just don’t get over those deep feelings.
I know better than to try to push grief down, so, instead, I just let myself feel it. Even if it means pulling the car over. Or sitting here now with tears in my eyes.
So what did I do?
I made a memorial candle. Purple, because it was her favorite color. And blinged up, because she was a blinged up girl. I made it smell good, too. I couldn’t remember if she had a favorite candle scent so I used one of my favorites. Raw Mandarin Orange.
In the early morning hours, when it was still almost dark, I lit it. I sat on my orange sofa wrapped in the last gift she’d given me, an orange sofa throw. And I thought about her. And then, through self-hypnosis, I took myself to the afterlife where she was, and talked to her. Or, I should say, talked WITH her. Because her responses came into my head almost as if she were here physically.
I let myself feel my grief. How I missed her. I let myself cry. I let it all out in the privacy of the predawn hours.
Maybe you think that’s self-indulgent? I don’t. I know for a fact that the only way to transform any grief including lingering grief is to feel it. There’s no way around grief, there’s only the path through. Or, as Willie Nelson sings, It’s not something you get over, it’s something you get through.
How long will I feel this way? I don’t know. Maybe all my life.
Not every day, week, or month is like this. But this is how it is right now. And this is how I am dealing with it.
The image is the candle I made. If you’d like me to make you a memorial candle customized for your loved one, contact me: Carol (at) ahealingspirit.org Reasonably priced, just like everything here.
This is an audio that can help you visit your loved one and talk to them on the other side. It’s a hypnosis audio exactly like the technique I used to talk with my friend.
Or we can do a spiritual connection hypnosis either in person or via Skype.