We went to Tahoe in 2013, our last real trip together. This was the view from a gondola ride we took. I remember so much about our time together; it seems like only yesterday.
She’s been gone two and a half years (but who’s counting?) and you’d think by now I’d have my grief more in hand. None of that lingering grief.
Instead, what I had in hand was a tissue when I pulled the car over to cry. I miss the hell out of her. I miss her perspective. Her laughter. Her sidelong glance when I was talking about something crazy.
I miss watching sappy movies with her. Or just sitting talking about everything. I miss having that one person who has known me through thick and thin and I mean KNOW in capitals.
This month has been hard and I’m not sure why. Oh, I know that grief comes in waves and sometimes blindsides us. But what’s so different about this month? And I’m not the only one who feels it. I had breakfast with her son and we shared some of the same feelings. And emotion. Same with another dear friend of hers.
Grief is lingers because there was and still is deep love. You just don’t get over those deep feelings.
I know better than to try to push grief down, so, instead, I just let myself feel it. Even if it means pulling the car over. Or sitting here now with tears in my eyes.
So what did I do?
I made a memorial candle. Purple, because it was her favorite color. And blinged up, because she was a blinged up girl. I made it smell good, too. I couldn’t remember if she had a favorite candle scent so I used one of my favorites. Raw Mandarin Orange.
In the early morning hours, when it was still almost dark, I lit it. I sat on my orange sofa wrapped in the last gift she’d given me, an orange sofa throw. And I thought about her. And then, through self-hypnosis, I took myself to the afterlife where she was, and talked to her. Or, I should say, talked WITH her. Because her responses came into my head almost as if she were here physically.
Almost.
I let myself feel my grief. How I missed her. I let myself cry. I let it all out in the privacy of the predawn hours.
Maybe you think that’s self-indulgent? I don’t. I know for a fact that the only way to transform any grief including lingering grief is to feel it. There’s no way around grief, there’s only the path through. Or, as Willie Nelson sings, It’s not something you get over, it’s something you get through.
How long will I feel this way? I don’t know. Maybe all my life.
Not every day, week, or month is like this. But this is how it is right now. And this is how I am dealing with it.
The image is the candle I made. If you’d like me to make you a memorial candle customized for your loved one, contact me: Carol (at) ahealingspirit.org Reasonably priced, just like everything here.
This is an audio that can help you visit your loved one and talk to them on the other side. It’s a hypnosis audio exactly like the technique I used to talk with my friend.
Or we can do a spiritual connection hypnosis either in person or via Skype.
This is really good. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I am still dealing with grief. I don’t know if it will ever go away!
I’ve never experienced grief personally but I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have someone important taken from me. But you, you have turned grief into something beautiful.
It is hard to explain in words. So i am sending a virtual hug to you all the way from Manila. Everything will be fine.
This is a great way to turn grief into beautiful thing.
Grief is a personal and in depth subject. Everyone has their own way of handling this subject and working through it x
I think that with deep and abiding love, there may always be lingering grief. I still cry for my father when I miss him or remember his goodness and his kind heart, even though he passed 16 yrs ago. Similarly with my mum who passed 4 years ago. I don’t deny myself that emotional catharsis that comes with the tears.
Grief is such a hard process. I know so many people grieving heavy this summer so this is good info!
This is a really helpful post indeed. I can’t imagine what people must go through when dealing with grief. It is nice to have handy advice and help out there.
Grief does come in waves. I’m ok with it. Sometimes I just sit down and cry for the times we had but mostly cry for the times we won’t be having. And then I can move on again. There is something cleansing about a good cry. Oh, and those candles. They are so beautiful and yummy smelling.
I so understand this too well. I think for me I talk about it and that seems to help me!
I think that the feeling of grief is a difficult one, but I love the way you turned it into a beautiful thing. I love purple and bling and think this is the perfect way to express your love for her.
Grief really is like a roller coaster. It comes in waves and hits us out of no where. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.
You’re right to allow your feelings to flow. Elkhart Tolle says we must allow our bodies to feel what they feel. What we resist grows stronger. So sorry for your loss, Carol.
It is hard to let go of a true love when it is taken from you. I would have a lot of difficulty parting with my husband fter so many years together.
I grieved for a long time for my grandma. Finally she came to me in a dream, or it felt like she did. We said goodbye. I thanked God for sending her to me, and I cried. And then, the grief was over. I miss her and I love her always, but there is no longer that heavy grief. I understand mourning for those we love. Hurrah that we have gotten to love so deeply.
This is a great way to turn grief into something beautiful!
I think grief overtakes us because we feel so helpless against it. You have turned it into something proactive. I think that helps.
And I’ve been thinking, too about the loss of your sweet friend. You have turned that loss into something that is helping so many others with their grieving. And that, my friend, is glorious!
Everyone grieves in their own way. Everyone takes whatever time they feel is necessary to grieve. Keeping busy and also doing things to honor the lost loved one are good ways to grieve.
How very lovely. Grief is another side of love.
I think that feeling the grief is the only way to allow it to transform into something you can manage and move on with. We never lose the feeling of loss, but if we run from it, it will take us over.
That is so very true, Stacie.