A friend who lost her daughter many years ago told me that one of the most painful parts of the loss was how people never said her name.
I get it. Those of us on the outside are afraid to say her name. Afraid that it will hurt the parent or bring back sad memories. Make them remember.
Here’s what true.
Parents who lose children remember.Whether they hear their child’s name or not. Oh, they remember.
By saying the child’s name out loud, we honor that life. Parents what us to call their child by name. Acknowledge the reality of their existence, their place in the family.
If you’re worried about bringing back sad memories, trust me: parents who lose a child have those memories all the time. Nothing you say is going to change that.
So when you speak with a grieving parent, don’t be afraid to call their child by name. Tell them a happy memory you have. Even ask a kind-hearted question if you want.
And if you’d like to do something supportive for someone who is grieving, check out our grief products.
My youngest sister passed away in an accident a few years ago, and I make a point of including her by name in our family discussions. It’s too easy to avoid the subject because it hurts, but then it’s like she’s not part of the family anymore. And that will never be the case.
When my parents passed I did not want to hear about them or see pictures of them. I suppose it was part of my grieving process as everyone’s is different. Also I do have some mental impairment. My cousin on the other hand lost both of her siblings while she was a teenager and brought them up all the time she said it made her feel better.
This is so important. I lost my brother when we were young … and nobody in the family ever talked about it. Big mistake, You’re right, the only way to keep them alive is to remember them.
I totally agree with this. It’s been almost 20 years since I lost my father. i still think of him daily, still talk about him with my mother and brother, and tell my girls about him all the time, since that’s the closest they can ever get to knowing him in person.
Really helpful post as sometimes people just don’t know. I often speak of my nephew who passed as a baby and would have just graduated from high school this year. Memories are wonderful things to talk about!
That is sad, indeed. My grandfather passed away almost 20 years ago, but we cherish his memories and treasure his legacy.
My little sister was lost to us very early in life and we always mention her and I think it brings my mom comfort for us to mention her…
I think everyone reacts differently to these type of tragedies. This is a really helpful post for anyone looking for advice on this matter. Great job.
I think people are lost when it comes to facing this type of situations…I guess everyone’s willing to do whatever it takes to ease the pain of the sufferers but they’re afraid they’re gonna make it worse by saying something that hurts…
thank you for sharing this, it made me quite emotional and teared up, especially the comments 🙂 but i needed to read this
I had heard this advice before, and it’s true. They will always be yours and always be with you, so make it so; celebrate them.
Gosh this is so true. We must let their memory live on through us and part of this is saying their name!
I research my family tree in my spare time, and I’m surprise by how many lost children there were. Some who were not named, but some who were and their names were lost. I love to tell their stories the most because I want their names to be on someone else’s lips.
I guess we didn’t have any choice in the matter. My mother always called me by my sister’s name and vice versa. And it is something that continued after my sister died.
If we don’t say their name, then how can we even tell stories from our lives. Especially when it is our brother or sister who died. If we don’t say their name, aren’t we cutting out part of our own existence? My friends thought my family was strange that we would not only talk and laugh in funeral homes, but then throw huge parties after the funeral and drink and share stories and laugh. How else do you remember? How else do you celebrate a life that touched yours? It’s not strange. It’s love.
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