Maybe it was shame that kept me silent.
Things like this aren’t supposed to happen to women like me. You know, women with “an education.” A career. Smart women. Sassy women. Women who aren’t afraid to use their voices.
But that’s how it happened, actually. My mouth.
Not that I blame myself. Not at all. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Repenting at leisure
As rebound marriages ago, it was disastrous. But I’d been hurting after my first husband left and “he” appeared, dreamy, adorable, sweet, considerate and understanding. All of those things were true of him, every one. And so I remarried in haste.
My mother didn’t think it was a good idea. To be honest I knew it was a mistake even as I walked down the aisle. I’d begun to see the flip side of that dream man and had I not still been so wounded from the demise of my first marriage I might have called this one off. But I wasn’t very experienced at heartbreak… or at life.
Later, I learned to identify the things that would be relationship deal-breakers: Political differences. Intellectual differences. World views that didn’t jibe. But I was still an innocent then and believed that love could make a difference.
But I wasn’t innocent for long.
I didn’t think it would happen to me
It was an argument in our third year of marriage that caused him to grab me and beat my head into the kitchen floor. Here’s the truth: I had words and he didn’t. Words are effective weapons, especially if you don’t have a talent for them. And especially if you feel that lack makes you “less than.” And so he retaliated the only way he could. With violence.
I grabbed the kitchen phone and dialed 911. He pulled it out of the wall and pinned me down. My head hit the floor repeatedly.
I thought I was going to die. He told me he’d kill me, drown me in the pool,make it look like an accident.
Instinctively, I knew what to do to try to save my life. I went limp. I said the right things. I got him to stop. I staggered up, my head pounding.
Just then, the phone rang in the bedroom. In tears, I answered. It was 911 calling me back.
“Are you alright?” they asked me. Tearfully, I told them I was. They didn’t believe me, but I insisted, then hung up. Within minutes, two squad cars appeared, lights flashing. I went to the gate. He sat in his easy chair like a pasha.
“Does he have guns in the house?” an officer asked before entering the house. I said he did. They asked where. I told them.
They came in. I was infuriated when they began engaging in small talk with him, about the garden, the house. Now I know it was a technique to defuse the situation but then I saw it as male bullshit.
Third time’s the charm
They stood with me while I called a friend, then I packed a few things and left.
“I didn’t think this would happen to me,” I said to one of the officers.
“It takes three times on average,” he replied. “Three times before a woman leaves.”
It was my third time.
A few days passed without hearing from him. I saw a doctor. I had a concussion and a three-day headache.
And then, the phone rang at work, as I knew it would. He wanted to get together to talk. We met in a public place. And the tearful apologies began, as I knew they would. The contrite promise that it would never happen again. Even though it had. I’d heard it all before.
No alternative
This time, I wasn’t buying it. I rented a condo and moved in. Even as the van came to get my stuff he wanted me to tell them to put it back in our house. “No,” I said.
There were other awful things that had happened during the marriage, but this was the real end. A few months later I was starting fresh 3,000 miles away in California with no job and knowing no one. He called every day to ask me to come home. Every single day. My answer was always the same. I can’t.
A month after I’d moved I met Marilyn, who would be a close friend the rest of her life–some 30 years more–and who inspired this business. But all that was yet to come. I was in California, alone, jobless and it still looked better than where I’d been.
He was still calling me daily when a friend who lived in his town phoned to tell me that he had remarried, a fact he’d conveniently omitted in his calls. I’d been gone four months. So that was that.
In California, I rebuilt my life from the ground up and I did it myself. I pulled myself out of the abyss and emerged stronger and smarter.
Yes, it’s hard
I won’t say it wasn’t hard. It took years. None of them were easy. But I had no regrets. Especially as I watched his views become more and more conservative and more inflexible. We stayed in casual touch because I believed it was a way to honor what he’d given me when I needed it. And of course, I needed to be loved. Don’t we all? Once, 15 years later, he came to visit my father, me and my new husband. He brought his wife. They stayed. And stayed. And overstayed.
His wife wasn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but she seemed pleasant enough. We were cordial. Decades later she’d friend me on Facebook (strangely) and in a series of messages confide her deep unhappiness with him. I remained noncommittal: I had no dog in this hunt. She must’ve come to regret telling me so much, as months later she blocked me on Facebook after commenting on my stupidity for supporting Hillary.
Stupidity? Ha! That was pretty rich. Buh-bye and good riddance.
Forgiveness is free
I forgave him long ago. It cost me nothing: I never had to have anything to do with him again if I didn’t want to. On Facebook I’d accepted his friend request. But every so often he’d attack a FB friend of mine for their politics, insult them or make a homophobic comment. I unfriended him. Afterwards, he tried again with a couple of friend requests. I declined, and finally, he stopped requesting.
I’d also stopped thinking there was any reason to be in touch with him. I was done. I am a big believer in forgiveness but that doesn’t bring with it any obligation to put someone back in my life. Nothing good could come of it. We’d had our time decades ago and I was grateful for the way it had shown me the way. I just didn’t realize at the time that it would show me the way out, too.
I’ve thought a lot about why I stayed three years. Part of it was that I was embarrassed to have a second divorce so soon after the first. To have made that level of mistake. But hope played a big role, too. I hoped against hope that the knight in white shining armor I’d met at the start would reappear.
He didn’t.
And then, I had never seen myself as a victim. I was an empowered woman. Usually. So this didn’t fit the person I believed I was.
Digging out the root
And finally, the truth is that there was abuse in my family, both emotional and physical. So perhaps I felt some comfort in its familiarity, as dysfunctional as that seems. It’s not an uncommon response.
So I knew I had therapeutic work to do and spent years in the late 1980s and early 1990s doing it with a good psychotherapist. Very helpful and the only reason I’m relatively functional today.
My siblings, who were far more damaged than I –partly by just seeing what had happened to me — never got there. Their lives have been a good reminder of what mine could’ve been: angry, bitter, resentful and mean. They left my life a decade ago. I don’t miss that dysfunction, only the fantasy that I, along with every other Boomer, was fed about happy families. And love. God bless those 1950s TV shows.
Get out ASAP
What does all this mean today?
When women come forward after years of silence. I get it. I understand why they stayed so long. But I’m here today to encourage anyone suffering abuse to step forward early. To not risk their lives.
That man could have killed me. Many women do die from domestic abuse.
If a man is violent, don’t just walk away, run. Immediately. There is support. There are shelters. There is help.
Yes, it will be hard. And you will find a way.
You’re worth it. Go on and be your beautiful self without them and their dysfunction.
And don’t be afraid to shine a light so bright that everyone can see what’s happening.
Abusers count on our silence. Our shame. Our embarrassment. It’s how they get away with it.
Don’t let them.
Such honesty and emotions in your post. I have seen women battered and abused and some of them die from domestic violence. I’m glad you got out of it before it was late.
I saw plenty of crap growing up I was not about to take anything from any person..My husband of soon 44 years is the kindest and sweetest man ever, of course we were old when we married me 26 he almost 27 our only child born when I turned nearly 30 and her daddy was 30..No one deserves to be beaten nor animals nor anyone person..If they hit you once they will hit you twice and more..I say get out with your cothing and a bag you have money in and flee, I hve helped at the d/v place for many years, heard all kinds of things, I shudder to think about what many endured I pass no judgement and the kiddies seem to get the real short end of the stick..YOU ARE BRAVE and Fearless, I went to California when I was 18 and lived with my grandmother and was on my own at just 18 I was never afraid of any person there and my Grannie did treat me so sweet and loving..take care!
So glad that you had the resources to get out before it was too late. Many women do not and stay because they don’t know where else to go. Some men are verbally abusive and not physically. It still sounds self esteem to the point of doing major damage.
Hi! I am so sorry you had to go through this and I’m happy you had enough courage to walk out when you did, a lot of women never make it that far, for some its just better to stay, my prayers are with you.
BRAVO! bravo that you walked away! i see that you went really far! BRAVO! and i hope you stay as far away as possible! my abuse is differnet it was emotional abuse that i simply did not recognize until it was almost too late. too late to save my grandma from my mothers abuse that turned physical but not too late to save myself and my children from her unraveling and increased abusive ways. so thank y you so much for this story i can relate!
There have been so many victims already and it’s important that we shed a light on this topic. It’s not easy to talk about but we have to. It might save someone’s life. Thanks for sharing your story. You’re amazing and I admire your positive mind set.
I’m glad ou got out of the situation alive and well with head held high. Domestic violence like so many other “taboo “ subjects need the recognition they deserve. Not to be hushed and frowned upon
Thank you for shining light on this important manner! I have seen a close friend go through this and know how hard it is!
You story is really helpful for anyone in the same situation. It’s hard to get out sometimes, but you know it will be worth it. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story and shedding a light on domestic violence. You are brave!
Carol-Good for you. Silent no more and better off for it!
I wish my mom would have left after 3. She stayed with her abuser for many years and I will never understand why. She had a support system willing to help, she just had to say yes. Thankfully, she eventually wised up, but not before leaving permanent scars in my childhood.
While I don’t have this experience, I am grateful for you sharing yours. Someday I may need to help someone away from a situation like this. Thank you.
I just left an emotionally abusive relationship, as my kids said, I “wasn’t me when I was with him”. He brainwashed me, gas-lighted and manipulated me. I came into that relationship a strong, independent single mom and left now a wounded woman who’s trying to climb back up . Domestic Abuse sucks. BUT we need to spread the word that no one deserves it and they can find help and get away.
Anyone who’s involve to domestic violence should read your post. We all can learn from this and noone deserve to be in this situation.
Inspirational..
I have been very lucky that I have never experienced domestic violence of any sort. I don’t understand why so many stay silent for so long. I guess it is the fear of them that keeps them there and quiet.
You are so extremely brave for sharing your story! I am happy you had the courage to leave, as well as the strength to forgive your abuser.
Thanks for sharing your story. I went through this in my first relationship. I know everyone’s situation is different. However, I agree that it’s so important to GET OUT!
Mental and physical abuse shouldn’t be tolerated but I suppose at first you’re shocked at what has transpired so I get why the 3rd time is usually the trigger that sets the wheels in motion to leave. Thanks for sharing your story – you are a big inspiration to many women. I thank my lucky stars that my 2nd husband is so loving, supportive & understanding.
Good for you, Carol. A sad story with a happy ending–which has become your m.o.! Happy endings never get old….
I appreciate you sharing your story. I admire your courage and willingness to bring this subject more attention.
Your story is a difficult one that you went to and I am so sorry you went through it. But you are so strong to have come out on the other side. Raising awareness and letting people in those situations is so important to let them know that there is help and a way out.
Sadly, domestic violence still happens, and something must be done to stop it. We need to empower women who are suffering to stand up for themselves, and that they know they’re not alone.
Wonderful that you are sharing your story! I worked with a woman who knew she shouldn’t marry her husband but she too was embarrassed to call it off. It ended badly as well. I love that you throw out your relationship with your family. Family disengagement can be as critical to one’s well being as a bad marriage. You are one brave/accomplished woman!
It’s all linked in, isn’t it?
I couldn’t agree more. Thank you so much for sharing and shining some light. I’m so glad you left the situation, how awful.
Thank you for sharing this . I know that domestic violence is a big problem, and you are doing something great to root it out and expose it.
So sorry what had happened to you but glad you realized it wasn’t worth and had the courage to leave. Some women does not have that courage and live with violence for a long time.
This is such a great post it is a shame that we still find domestic violence a taboo subject. Well done on all your strength you are amazing.
I know of a few people that have gone through this. Whether it’s mental or physical abuse, it’s still abuse, and should be dealt with. I appreciate your approach to this delicate topic.
Carol, Brave and hopeful. Helping others adds to the healing. Thank you for your words.
It is so good that you left that situation. It is hard and you had the courage to know this was wrong for any woman.
Thank you for sharing, Carol. When a strong, articulate woman like you shares that she too has been a victim, it makes it easier for others to find the strength to leave.
On our part, we must stop asking the question ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’ and assure the women we know that we’ll be there for them when they leave.
I really don’t know anyone who has gone through this, but I know it exsist. I’m going to share your story on Twitter. Thank you.
I am a new follow of yours on Twitter now.
We drive out darkness by shining light. Thank you for sharing your truth. Keep shining!
As always, you write with eloquence and such honesty. Thanks for sharing your experience–if just one woman sees herself (and her abuser) in your words and takes action, it’ll be a blessing. I grew up in a violent home (my stepfather abused my mother for eight years until she finally left for good), so I know the pain and dysfunction it causes. Thankfully, witnessing what I did helped me avoid going down that path; I married later in life and chose a kind and gentle man. You acquired your wisdom at a painful price–but you acquired it. Thank you, again, for sharing it with us.
I will never understand the many aspects of domestic violence. It’s good that you found the strength to get out. I can’t believe someone abusive would have the nerve to friend request online never mind visit.
There is all kinds of domestic violence. We should be talking and aging a light on this subject
I so agree, this should always be discussed. I can’t even imagine going through this, but I always hope the people who are know where they can go for help.
Carol, I admire your beautiful strength! I’m so glad you believed in yourself and escaped so that you could become the beautiful, warrior badass role model that you are today!
Oh wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Even today, with all the stories going on out there, I feel like many women stay because they feel alone. The more women who share their story, the more women know that they aren’t alone.
This could be very helpful for anyone suffering with domestic abuse. It could save a life. Such a sensitive topic you did it very well!
I have a friend who just went through this. It was more mental abuse, but abuse is abuse and it has to end!
I am lucky not to be a part of this or know anyone in that terrible situation. You are so helpful to share your story.