Here’s one of the health losses that’s never mentioned: No one ever talks about the way changes in health, lead to changes in our relationships. My friend, Laura Lee Carter, shares her experience below.
How health losses can lead to changes in friendships
by Laura Lee Carter
Unfortunately I have begun to experience a few serious health problems in my 60s, after decades of excellent health. These losses, most of them permanent, have caused me to observe the different ways my friends react to my change in health status, with special attention to my primary caregivers.
Here are seven changes I have observed over the past 10 years:
1. If your health loss is great, friends may fear that your misfortune is somehow contagious.
2. You may seem like a very different person after a serious illness or injury, like a brain injury or COPD.
3. Friends may tire of hearing about your loss and prefer the old happy you.
4. Friends may tire of helping out, worker burnout.
5. Certain friendships may be connected with one of your favorite activities, one which you can no longer do.
6. Friends may not understand your own special connection with a certain activity and therefore not understand that you are grieving its loss. For example, the loss of health that leads to your inability to take long walks or runs. That activity may have given you great physical and emotional satisfaction.
7. Some friends may be looking for an excuse to leave the friendship. This disability may make the break easier for them.
Laura Lee & a good friend.
Of course, I felt some sense of disappointment as my illnesses and disabilities caused various friends to disappear from my life, forcing me to acknowledge that all friend connections are not the same. Let’s face it, most friendships aren’t meant to last forever.
Yes, I do find myself grieving sometimes over lost friendships. Illness or injury may test friendships, helping us to separate the wheat from the chaff. Not everyone we have developed a friendship with will be willing to help us in our hour of greatest need. Knowing who we can absolutely count on is a lesson we learn as we age.
Her southern Colorado dream property out in the country.
Laura Lee Carter has worked as a professional writer for the past 12 years. Her blog: Adventures of the NEW Old Farts, documents her recent retirement to a rural setting in southern Colorado. She is the author of five books on midlife change, psychology and how country living changes you.
There are different kinds of friends. Some are just not equipped to navigate illness. It’s frustrating and sad, but it doesn’t make them bad people. Our expectations are often chalenged in situations like this. It is lonely being sick, especialy chronic illness. However, you are not alone and the upside of the internet is that you can connect with people in similar circumstances. Hang in there!
Just think of it like this. They are not your real friends. True friends stick with you, understand and help you through thick and thin.
It’s just so sad there are friends that leave you in your darkest times.
A lot of things can change our friendships…I have experienced it with the loss of my son…I think people are afraid it will happen to them…or they don’t know what to say…you find out who your true friends are in times of sickness and loss and sometimes that is a good thing!
This is so true and I think it’s something we don’t often address in our friendships, but they really can strain or at least change a relationship. I’ve definitely experienced that.
I don’t think people stay away because they are afraid that it could be contagious. I think it’s because they just don’t know how to act or maybe fear saying something inappropriate. Sort of like walking on glass.
I know how it feels to be in an unfortunate situation where friends are starting to be distant. I come from a place where relatives are supposed to be closer to you than you think but even that gets broken. It may sound strange at a time like this but this is where things like books, movies and other forms of home entertainment can be a good substitute.
This is so true, as they feel like you can’t do the things you used to be able to do. Friendships change even after you have a baby, because your responsibilities change
Thank you for sharing your story and it’s true not all friends are meant to last forever. Does make you cherish the ones that have been and are there all along though.
I have a friend who shuts me out if I get really sick. She cannot stand to bear the thought of losing me.
This was an interesting guest post to read. I really feel for Laura as she talks about the loss of friendships but I do hope she has a few true friends that will always be there for her.
That is a really interesting perspective and I think so true too! Only in tough times do we really know who our friends really are.
very interesting post that many should read. BOth those that suffer and those that have friends that are. IT is hard to lose contact with friends and it is something that truly does happen
It’s true, when we lose the ability to do certain things because of our health, since our friends were involved in those activities, we will probably lose them. And that’s hard.
This is such a true thought! And I know it must be really hard for you. So sorry to hear that. 🙁
I also experience this awhile back when I had some health issues and it’s so funny how challenges like this make you aware of who are your real friends.
I know the feeling! Having hypertension has kept me from partying the way I did 10 years back – thankfully, most of my friends prefer coffee dates these days. 🙂
I didn’t know how health losses can lead to changes in friendships. Glad to came across this and learn about this. I guess only when we faces some challenge in life we can see who our real friends are. I hope you get well and stronger!
I’m sorry that you have lost so many friends because of your health. Hopefully this new season of life will put you in contact with some new and wonderful people.
Thank-you so much for this post and your honesty. I, too, have experienced these loses and thought it was just happening here with me.
this is all so true. When I was dealing with my digestive issues and hormone problems, I felt like I was burdening my friends with my restrictive diet and lethargic energy. Thanks for the good read!
Isn’t that the truth. Nothing like a disease to show you who are your core friends! Virtual friends can really help those with mobility issues.
Hi Laura Lee, I’m sorry that you are experiencing challenge with your health and saddened to think that friends drift away because they aren’t sure how to deal with it. My philosophy is that we have quality friendships of maybe one or two who will always be in our life no matter what. Then there are others who move into our lives for a reason and then move on. I used to be upset when that happened but now I realise that some friends are only meant to be in our lives at certain times and only for a short time. Thanks Carol for presenting Laura Lee to us and her thoughts on friendship and illness.
Interesting perspective. I’m thinking this is particularly relevant for men like me, since our friendships tend to revolve more around doing things together rather than just meeting up and socializing, talking, etc. I had to give up my racquet sports b/c of a bad knee, and that’s been pretty hard on me. I still play golf, though, with some old friends and some new ones too. I’ve been looking for a male or co-ed book group. But, at least around me, they don’t seem to exist. Do only women read?
My daughter read a ‘statistic’ that friends tend to change about every 7 years. I sure find that changes in my life and abilities has caused more than a few of those changes. My running club is totally gone. Only one of my former church group has stayed in touch. I’m not blaming them. A lot of it is me. I do grieve their loss, however.