If you’ve grieved any kind of loss at all you might feel like you’re falling apart.
Me, too.
My therapist pointed out that when we lose something or someone of value, we ARE falling apart. Because we are forced to deconstruct the person we were.
Riley was in my DNA. I was “Riley’s mom” and so much of my life revolved around that.
In an instant, he was gone and so was part of my identity. Because our identity revolves around the important figures in our life. My attachment to him didn’t automatically unlatch because he transitioned. And in fact, I’ll always be attached to him. Always.
Now, just in a different way.
Oh, that’s been hard to accept!
Loss changes us
Identity can also revolve around activities we do. Our mobility. Our job. When those things are gone and we feel like we are falling apart, what we’re really doing is wondering, “Who am I, now that I don’t have that dog/person/job/activity in my life?”
That’s how loss changes us.
Sometimes, falling apart is ok as we figure out how to reconstruct ourselves in a new way.
For me, moving forward requires me to acknowledge what a precious thing Riley was in my life. How important he was to who I am. To who I was.
Only then can I begin to rebuild who I am now.
If you’d like support dealing with your own loss, see my grief products, here.
Renee says
April 5, 2018 at 7:39 amI have become so many different people…first after losing my Dad and a young age, then my Mom after he suffering from dementia….then the surprise loss of my only sibling, my beautiful sister, but the loss that truly changed my life was the loss of my son…there is nothing, nothing like losing your child…so yes, I am not the person I was before all of these beautiful people in my life passed….
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candy says
April 5, 2018 at 7:50 amIt is totally okay to fall apart after a loss. Part of how we cope. Have a good cry, scram, punch a pillow. Write feeling and thoughts down. Don’t let it control your life.
candy recently posted…Pancake Master Mix
Doria says
April 5, 2018 at 7:55 amMy heart goes out to you. It’s true, suffering a loss truly does change us and sometimes falling apart is the only way we can rebuild something new after.
Amber Myers says
April 5, 2018 at 8:06 amThis is true. Sometimes a loss helps us pull together again. But I can’t imagine ever losing a child. I know I’d be lost for a long time if that happened.
Amber Myers recently posted…Why Roseanne Is An Instant Hit
Ashley says
April 5, 2018 at 8:12 amI agree. When I lost my grandmother I kept it in for the most part because I couldn’t handle the pain. But falling apart did help me to start healing.
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Terri Beavers says
April 5, 2018 at 8:25 amI’ve lost a lot of loved ones in the last 5 years. It’s devastating and really hard to try to pick up the pieces after loss. I’m going to check out your grief products, I’m certain they’d help .
Susan Riley says
April 5, 2018 at 8:37 amBeautiful post. My names Susan and I also have experienced serious loss in my life. For me, it affected my entire life especially when I lost my mother and grandmother. The best thing that happened to me when I started to rebuild my life. It took a really long time but I’m finally on the right track. Please take a look at my journey. I started a blog and recently started building my life coaching business in spite of the effects my tragedies had on me I decided to spin my sadness and misery in a positive direction.
Jeanette says
April 5, 2018 at 9:10 amI think when you lose someone they take a little bit of your heart with them. I have lost a lot of people in my life and I know I am a different person because of it. I am not better or worse I am just different. You need to let yourself please because if you don’t then you hold it all inside and a lot of times that becomes anger.
Rhonda Brown says
April 5, 2018 at 9:20 amI agree a significant loss in our lives changes us. Having gone through losses in the past, it took me a while to get past the grief process. I feel it’s something that never goes away, it just becomes a part of us.
Stacie says
April 5, 2018 at 9:26 amThis makes so much sense. When we lose an important person, that integral part of our existence is gone. How can we go on with our lives as they were before with a piece missing?
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Diane says
April 5, 2018 at 9:31 amIt’s so true! I’ve never really looked at loss in this way before. Of course, when a part of you has been removed, you have reconfigure. It’s a painful process, and it takes time. And the ‘you’ is never quite the same.
Beautiful post, Carol!
Diane recently posted…Toddler see. Toddler do.
Tomi C says
April 5, 2018 at 12:30 pmKeep healing and acknowledging your beloved. It is a process. Journaling your feelings is one way to help you as you grieve so keep writing.
Tomi C recently posted…Monster Jam is Coming to a City Near You and we’ve got your Discount Code + a FREE Monster Jam Activity Book + a 4-pk of Tickets Up for Grabs
Tasheena @ SimplyTasheena.com says
April 5, 2018 at 1:32 pmDealing with loss is such a hard process. I think the hardest part is moving forward and knowing that person is not going to be there with you for that process. After the rain, there is a rainbow though.
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Emily says
April 5, 2018 at 1:47 pmI am so sorry for your loss, that kind of pain and loss would be so difficult to go through. I like that you mentioned it is ok to fall apart, so often when bad things happen we all feel as if there needs to be an end to the grief. Move on with life, but not being ok is ok.
Emily recently posted…Home is the key – Habitat for Humanity
Heather says
April 5, 2018 at 5:49 pmI am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a process, and I agree that you have to go through it before the healing takes place,
Liz Mays says
April 5, 2018 at 6:08 pmI can see where you’re coming from. Loss really does force you to look back at who you are and who you have to become.
Heather says
April 5, 2018 at 6:09 pmI am lucky to not have lost anyone dear to me yet. I can’t imagine the pain and “falling apart” that happens. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I’m falling apart. I guess the closest I’ve come to this is moving far away and essentially being alone most of the time. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people but in a less devastating way. Thanks for sharing your story. No doubt you will be able to help a lot of people cope.
Heather recently posted…Looking for a Job, But Unsure About Your Resume?
Theresa says
April 5, 2018 at 7:49 pmAfter the loss of my dad, I felt like I had to be strong for everyone. Thank you for letting others know that it’s okay to fall apart. We truly can rebuild once we allow ourselves to let go and fall apart.
Theresa recently posted…OLOMOMO: Savor The Adventure & Chocolate Cherry Almond Chewies
Claudia Krusch says
April 5, 2018 at 8:01 pmSo true! The loss of a loved one changes everything! Very sorry for your loss!
Debbie Harris says
April 5, 2018 at 9:41 pmI agree with you Carol, it is a sense of falling apart when you lose someone special. The grief hits me again and again when I least expect it. I know Dad is with me on many ways, just not here on earth anymore. All the best to you in your journey.
Debbie Harris recently posted…Why does this sweet potato make me smile?
Kristi says
April 5, 2018 at 11:16 pmEveryone goes through the grief process differently and you never know how you will react until it happens.
Kiwi says
April 5, 2018 at 11:43 pmA loss can change you. We all need to heal from a grieving and hopefully people can get the help they need in those times.
Kiwi recently posted…Where to Eat in Atlanta: Babalu Tapas and Tacos
Toni | Boulder Locavore says
April 5, 2018 at 11:57 pmI agree. I love this post. Losing a loved one is really hard, we need to let ouraselves heal and falling apart is part of the process.
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chubskulit rose says
April 6, 2018 at 4:15 amI think that when we loss someone, although it is painful, it makes us appreciate a lot of things and we become somewhat stronger than before. The pain lingers but it gets better as time passes.
chubskulit rose recently posted…Here is how to Desist from Parental Burnout this Holiday Season
Adrienne says
April 6, 2018 at 4:18 amSuch an accurate post. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve fully after loss. It’s normal and allows you to heal.
Victoria says
April 6, 2018 at 6:23 amThis makes very good sense. To lose a loved one has to be devastating.
Sandy N Vyjay says
April 6, 2018 at 7:09 amI think when you lose someone, there is a process which everyone has to go through, starting with an irrevocable sense of loss and slowly acceptance. One needs to move on but with fond memories of the loved one.
Sara Welch says
April 6, 2018 at 8:06 amLosing someone in our lives, even if they were only a small part, can change us. It’s important we acknowledge that change and allow ourselves to be broken and put back together so the changes fit.
Amanda says
April 6, 2018 at 8:56 amThis article is so spot on. I truly fell apart after my Dad passed away after a battle with colon cancer and if I didn’t completely fall apart, I don’t think I would have ever been able to heal.
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Marysa says
April 6, 2018 at 11:42 amI lost my mom, grandmother, and great grandmother in my 20’s, right before I got married. It was very difficult and still is, even 10-15 years later. Hard for me to accept that my kids won’t meet their maternal grandmother.
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Carol Cassara says
April 6, 2018 at 5:22 pmThat’s a lot of maternal loss, so young. For you and your kids.
Sue Reddel says
April 6, 2018 at 1:36 pmSo very sorry for your loss. Everyone handles loss in different ways that’s for sure. I hope you find peace with your loss and are able to move forward and cherish your happy memories.
Veronica Solomon says
April 6, 2018 at 9:29 pmI think we all handle losses in different ways. Sometimes the falling apart is necessary to put us back together again after a devastating loss
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Rebecca Forstadt Olkowski says
April 9, 2018 at 9:19 amI’m so glad you found two little dogs to take care of. I know Riley must have been a devastating loss. I’m so attached to my dogs, even the thought of something happening to them makes me scared. They are unconditional love.
Rebecca Forstadt Olkowski recently posted…Harnessing the Benefits of Fitness and Diet Over 50
Carol Cassara says
April 9, 2018 at 9:22 amIt was even harder than losing my mother. Devastating. But these two are helping us heal.
jodie filogomo says
April 10, 2018 at 6:42 amEven though we know it’s part of life, it’s always still SO SO hard. I think it’s only normal to fall apart….
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jennifer says
April 10, 2018 at 5:39 pmFalling apart doesn’t necessarily mean bawling my eyes out. I remember when my older brother died a few years ago, I cried, yes. But then I became a zombie. I just didn’t do anything. Retreated into a shell each night, starting at a Christmas tree that I didn’t take down until February. Every night, I stared at the tree and thought of childhood Christmases, fun, fights and games. When I took down the tree was the day I was able to put myself back together.
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Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond says
April 10, 2018 at 11:51 pmWhen my Mum passed away after a 10 year battle with cancer, I had two young children so had to keep going for them. It hit me about six weeks later as I was hanging out the washing a neighbour asked me over for coffee and for some reason that was the time the dam broke for me.
Victoria says
August 14, 2018 at 6:05 pmI can not imagine losing one of my children I think that would have to be the worst lost there is. My husband is battling cancer and I live in fear of losing him.