{or any terminal or difficult disease.}
I believe life goes on after this one–we are called “home.” But do I want to go “home” right now? No. Not unless it’s San Jose, Calif. Not ready to leave this life.
I believe there are non-traditional things we can do to support treatment, like affirmations and expressing our emotions about our disease. Some of these things are supported by true scientific research and if they might provide an edge, a benefit, I wouldn’t hesitate. But I wouldn’t force them on anyone. My belief may not be theirs.
Oh, for those who can appreciate it, I might point out some of the studies I’ve read, but only so that they can consider that information as they make their own decision. Their choice.
* Finding the words. Or no words. *
So what to say to someone battling a terminal or difficult disease?
Sometimes just “It sucks.” Because it does and also because you know they think it does. That acknowledgement may seem obvious but sometimes it’s just the support a friend needs. Simple as that.
Other times there’s no need to say anything. Just sit with them in the darkness. Sitting is powerful. Ask any Buddhist. Also ask any hospice nurse.
Or you can gently ask how they’re doing and be willing to hear the response without trying to make it right.
* Because we can’t fix it. *
All the platitudes, all the prayer emoticons, all the stuff we’re used to saying? I try to think twice before saying them. Unless I know for absolute sure they will be comforting. Unless the friend asks for them. Because sometimes they really aren’t helpful.
My wonderful friend read devotionals daily. We were close and talked about everything. Spirituality did come up. But it was her call if and when it did.
She could have a dark humor about it and so once in a while we’d have snarky “well, on the bright side….” conversations. Usually at cancer’s expense. (I’ll bet some of you have had similarly snarky exchanges with someone you know well.)
I would not bring spiritual matters up with friends I didn’t know so well. Or have those snarky exchanges.
“Just being honest…”
Honesty is not always necessary. Does that shock you? Many well-meaning people step all over it and then say, “well, I was just being honest…”
Sometimes it’s better to say nothing.
The bottom line for talking with those fighting life and death battles is this: Consider your audience and your relationship …and act accordingly.
Yeah, you’re going to step all over it once in a while. We all do. Forgive yourself. Remember that they’ve probably heard worse.
And by the way, you may or may not know that my friend and our discussions inspired this business. If you want to know her story, it’s here.
Got some thoughts? I’d love to hear them. And don’t forget our Healing Toolkit and thoughtful, lovely gifts for those in the battle. Because sometimes, a pretty little gift can say it for you.
Nice article in my point of view we just do tell them not to loose hope and spend much time as possible with them make them feel happy and tell them that they will win one day against cancer.
Many cancers develop slowly over several years. The delay of a few weeks in starting cancer treatment is usually insignificant in terms of the treatment’s final outcome.
I ne’er grasp what to say…but the topic of death has return up nowadays that has given Maine quite a full day to trust it. My eight year recent is afraid he’s about to get shot at college. I actually have to do and facilitate him not be petrified of college or anywhere he goes and a part of that’s telling him that i think this life is simply a pit stop which the most effective things wait U.S. later on. unhealthiness and illness could be a bit totally different although due to prolonged suffering that solely the sufferer understands. therefore in several instances all you’ll offer is support, an ear, a heat meal and anything you’ll give to ease things for them.
Tell him/her to not lose hope and be strong… I hope you will win this fight against cancer…. Anyhow this is awesome post keep up the great work…
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I am thankful someone had thought writing this post. There would be really times that you would lose words on how to strengthen your loved ones during tough times. Your ways are sincere 🙂
Just support them all the way. I supported my aunt until the end. I truly miss her.
Luckily I have avoided this in my life so far. I pray for those suffering.
Just quietly holding their hand or sitting with them is probably one of the best actions to take,
Well said! Well written! I totally and absolutely agree!
I love your outlook and attitudes here.
Disease is not one size fits all either.
I have a life long illness that is more than a challenge and effects me daily in many ways but I would take that over something like cancer any day!
I just know we can not compare one person’s suffering to another’s we all have our struggles and we all deal in our own way.
I know it’s cliche but honesty is always the best policy. Sometimes, being honest and just being a good listener is the best thing you can do in the more difficult situations.
Thank you for bringing this up. I always struggle with words when someone is dealing with something like this.
A lot of people don’t know what to say to people experiencing a traumatic situation like cancer. It’s important to consider your audience so you don’t say the wrong thing.
You always need to make sure to take care of the people you care about. Never bring up something that hurts to people with a sickness like cancer tho.
Such a tough thing to discuss with anyone. I find that just being there for someone and bringing a favorite food or flower or book can brighten an otherwise dark day.
It’s always so hard to find the right words. I feel it’s best to follow their lead in a conversation. If they feel like talking about it listen. If they don’t then don’t bring it up.
I never know what to say…but the subject of death has come up today that has given me more than a whole day to think about it. My eight year old is afraid he’s going to get shot at school. I have to try and help him not be afraid of school or any place he goes and part of that is telling him that I believe this life is just a pit stop and that the best things wait us afterward. Illness and disease is a bit different though because of prolonged suffering that only the sufferer understands. So in many instances all you can give is support, an ear, a warm meal and anything else you can provide to ease things for them.
This is such a tough and unfortunate situation to be in. I am always wanting to be there for people dealing with tough illnesses, but do struggle with what to say. I have found just listening, letting them do the talking helps a lot.
Sound advice Carol! When I was going through cancer I did not want to hear “You’ll Be Fine”! How did they know? I also really didn’t want to hear about their everyday annoyances. I know some people find that reassuring but I was thinking what I wouldn’t give to have years of being annoyed so shut up! Going through it all again with my BFF we decided the worst thing anyone can say innocently and well meaning is “You look great”. My Bff had lost a tremendous amount of weight and she hated the way she looked. I know my skin tone took on a paler that was dead looking so no I did not look great!
I have learned from past situations that sometimes they just need someone to sit and say nothing. I love that you wrote this out because it is hard to know what to say and do. It’s not easy seeing someone we love go through this and our human nature just wants to help in any way we can.
I can’t even imagine. I just always tell the person that I’m there for them when they need it.
I’ve had several people in my life get cancer in the last few years and I new know what to say. I just try to be there for the family and let them know that I am available to help, listen, or whatever they need.
My dad passed from cancer 4 years ago, and I know for him, he didn’t want to talk about cancer. He just wanted to spend the time he had left with his family doing normal things.
My advice to add to this would be to be normal around them, but let them know that they are loved and cared for. Wether you do that just by saying those words, or by deeds, either way, those words are appreciated.
I was in this situation with a friends mother, I just thanked her for everything she had done for me and what she meant to me.
Good advice. It is difficult to know how to best help in these difficult situations.
I usually ask a question or ask them to explain what is going on. Gets them to talking. Mostly they just need a listening ear and to know I will be there to help do anything I can.
Most of the time it is better just to say nothing, but be there to support our loved ones in any way they need us to.