There are so many times life asks us to step up and adapt to something new. To adapt to change.
Some change is mostly joyful:
A new baby. A child going to school. An empty nest that means the launch of a child into adulthood. A new job representing new hope. A new home.
And then there’s the other kind of change. The ones that challenge us at our deepest core. That require us to adapt in ways we don’t want to or might even resist.
Death.
Illness.
Anyone who loses a loved one, as I have this season, knows the big change is the void that remains, that space that our loved one took up in our lives.
And those who are challenged by serious illness know that in the heartbeat it takes to get a diagnosis, a new path opens up and it’s fraught with anxiety.
The challenge of the new path in front of us
These things challenge our core beliefs–what we have said we believe in.
Those of us who believe in life after life now have to contend with the transition of a loved one. We say we’ll see them again, but really, we want them here, with us now.
Those of us who believe that life goes on have to address our belief that life here and its troubles, like disease, are transitory.
Yes, some changes challenge our deepest beliefs.
I believe in wallowing in it
It’s important to wallow in our sadness or grief–I know, you probably didn’t expect me to write that. But we really have to feel it to walk through it and there’s no way to avoid walking through it. We can do it now or we can do it later, but we will walk through our sadness. So sob and scream and rail at fate or God however long you have to.
(I hate this stage: crying in the shower, bursting into tears every time I think “he used to…”, my face puffy and red and sad all the time. Sobbing when someone expresses sympathy. But eventually, one day, it ends. It took a way long time to walk through it after my mother passed. But I did walk through it.)
And when you’re ready, begin to think. Because we’re made up of both thinking (cognitive) and emotion (grief expressions).
Thinking guide:
Think about your core beliefs about spirituality and consider how those beliefs relate to what you are going through now. What perspective do they lend?
Do you believe in more than what we see and feel here on earth? Do you believe that there is an afterlife in which you will be healed and whole? Do you believe you will see your loved ones again there? Do you pray for strength to get through treatment and setbacks?
I’ve found these thoughts a safe haven for the times when my heart hurts so badly because of the change demanded of me I think I’ll never get over it. I’ve tested my core beliefs and as it turns out, they really ARE a comfort.
But only when I’m ready.
I’d love for you to share so others, like me, may benefit: what’s your experience?
I hope you’ll visit the gifts section at A Healing Spirit and take advantage of the very low prices on gifts that can help those being asked to walk a new path of healing or grief.
loss is hard! things change it’s true, I know it’s hard but if you look for the positive, it makes it better in the long run
Change is something that is really hard for me to deal with and life is constantly changing. Having support and faith in things that make you stronger helps a lot.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Just go on and stay strong. Especially this time of grief.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hope you stay strong in this time of grief.
Life is a constant change. And loss, grief and wallowing is really a part of life’s changes. I agree that wallowing in our sadness allows us to be more stronger.
I am in a mess right now because my mom revealed she has s lump on her breast that has been there for 18 months or so. She refuses to see a doctor and she said she’s rather just let it be so she can be with my dad soon. I lost my dad to cancer 26 years ago, my two aunts died of cancer too. I have 3 cousins who are cancer survivors. This disease is horrible. I do not want to think about the inevitable, and I refuse to believe my mom is stricken with cancer.
This is such a terrible situation to be in. My heart goes out to you. If you’d like to get in touch, contact me here.
I have recently met with my old friend grief. It can be so difficult sometimes, but it really does help you to realize, grow, and move on.
I think I wallowed every time I lost someone and it never was right afterward. I still sometimes have bad days but they are less often.
It is great that you offer this to those grieving. I know how hard it can be to walk that path, but I also believe you have to wade through it and feel it. You have to walk through to get beyond it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wallowing in your grief or breaking down crying at inopportune times. We all grieve differently and that’s okay.
Life does have a way of always changing up on us, just when we think it’s smooth sailing for a bit, bam something hits us. I like your tips and really love the idea of wallowing in it – it’s important to feel what you feel and be able to embrace that to move forward!
Wallowing allows you to feel it, grieve and move on. I’ve just seen that with a loved one.
Life is full of change. Grief is a big part of that change, in my experience.
I agree, we should wallow in our sadness or grief so we can come out of it stronger than before. We have to accept our feeling so we can deal with them better!
The process of loss is so different for each person. Thankfully their are great resources to help each of us on the journey.
I lost my only sister 2 years ago to cancer, she was only 42! 🙁 I lost my fiance to cancer in 2007, he was only 41. Losing a loved one in death and the deep grief that follows is hard to describe in words…you are never really “whole” again. Sharing helps ease the pain, because grief shared is half the grief. The secret is to talk about it… share the grief, find a loving supportive and make self-care a top priority!
I lost my adult son 7 years ago and it’s hard not to walling in it, but for the most part I am doing fine. After all, I have to raise his son!! Thanks for these words, I needed to hear them all today.
Life never stops changing, and if we try to make it stop, we’ll lose our way and our minds. The only thing we can do is embrace change and move forward, making it work for us.
Things do have a way of changing around us. But sometimes if you think aobut it the saying is true – the more things change the more they stay the same.
I appreciate you opening up, and being strong in this process. It’s not easy, and we all handle grief over a loss in different ways.