You may recall this post, about how the loss of a significant relationship (or our mobility or a job or a home or….any big loss) forces us to deconstruct who we were–fall apart–and figure out who we are now.
That’s what I was talking about to someone who has known me more than 30 years.
“You know,” she observed, “maybe you don’t know HOW to fall apart. Your whole life you have had to be the strongest person in the room. You couldn’t afford to just fall apart because you really couldn’t depend on anyone but yourself. So maybe the discomfort you have been having with grief is that you just don’t know how to let yourself break into a million pieces.”
Who really sees you?
It’s always interesting (to say the least) to hear the insights and perspective of people you’ve been closer to than your blood family. She was the second person from the group I call famiglia to read back to me my life in terms of how strong I have always had to be, how I had to take care of myself because there was no one else to do that, etc.
That’s not how I would’ve described it–but now that I’ve heard it twice, it’s true. And no one would know me better than these two women.
When you build your life by yourself, when you’re the strongest person in your life, there’s no one to lean on. You lean on yourself.
Learning how to disintegrate
So when loss requires you to lean on someone or to just completely go to pieces, well, that’s not who you’ve been. So it’s true: I don’t know how to fall apart. I couldn’t afford to. That’s probably why I freaked out when I felt the disintegration that grief brought with it. It threw me, big-time.
There is no greater gift that a friend could give you than to show that they see you. That they KNOW you. In some ways even better than you know yourself.
No greater gift.
And as is my habit, I’ll take that insight, that gift, and use it to grow. And that was the next thing she said to me, with a smile:
“You’re growing, Carol. You’re growing!”
This is such a great topic. Our greatness comes with how we handle the hard stuff just as much as we celebrate our successes. Definitely a good one for the younger audience that might not see the value in failing.
Yeah, I’m not so sure I have that person. I am friends with a lot of people, but not many “see” me. I think I come off strong and confident and people just think I’m doing good.
If you don’t let yourself fall apart, it makes it so much harder if not impossible to rebuild yourself. LIKE hitting rock bottom, you have to accept and move forward.
I have one person in my life who really sees me, whom I think I could totallly fall apart with and she’d help me pick myself back up. She’s always been an inspiration to my life. I too have had to be the strongest person in almost everything in life. This is such a wonderful post.
A really good friend should be like a mirror, or actually more than that . He or she should be able to give a new perspective of your self which is unknown to you. Falling apart is something I find difficult too.
I don’t like being the one to fall apart. I like being in control, but when my daughter left two weeks ago for boot camp, I’m slowly coming undone. 🙁
I don’t have any friends literally so no one to really talk to. I’ve never let myself fall apart but have wondered if it would be better if I did.
I seem to have been born with the ability to fall apart. I generally save it for private moments though, as there are times I must be the strong one.
It takes so much in us to allow ourselves to fall apart because we don’t usually do. I think this is important though because it allows us to grow stronger and become so much better.
It is very rare to come across those friends who truely care about how you are, and want only the best for you at all time.
There is nothing like a major triumph or a major tragedy to reveal who truly cares for you. Having a few people to lean on is absolutely vital and I am grateful for my tribe.
I don’t have many friends who actually truly care how I am. Most just want to overtalk and one-up to feel superior. I don’t really call them friends so much. It’s nice to feel comfortable with someone.
Sometimes you do have to fall apart in order to put yourself together again. I’m glad you have great friends in your life.
Lovely, and so true.
I feel like I have many people especially my husband and my sisters to see me in times of need. I have my own life though and would like to stay independent.
Growing is hard!
Friends that can really see you and really know you are the best friends you can have. Thankfully, I have a friend like that. I need to give her a call today.
Insightful and honest post. Dealing with grief is always very difficult, as I learned when I lost my husband and soul mate 2 years ago. Friends and family who really know me were very supportive, but I had to let them in to do that for me. It wasn’t easy but am glad I did.
Agree with this so much.I have always been the “strong” one..so it is hard to let the feelings out…glad you had such a wonderful friend to help…
It is so very difficult at times to let yourself fall apart. Just knowing someone is there to catch you helps.
I agree with you Laura. Having someone to pick you up would help a lot.